No one said parenting is easy. It’s not easy. But parenting is rewarding.
INTENTIONAL PARENTING
There are reasons why I am writing an article about parenting. It breaks my heart to see how children are being reared without guidance and direction. Parents, too, are unempowered by a society that equates structure and healthy discipline with harsh methods or depriving kids. Some day they will need to learn that the world does not revolve around what they want. The parenting goal is to have healthy, well-adjusted, responsible, kind, polite and courteous, moral, respectful adults some day. That ususally doesn’t happen by chance.
We all need instruction manuals. My writing is more of a mental directive than a manual, but the suggestions are useful for driving the action. It is no more than a practical guide, but I hope it lends a helpful boost to what you are already doing as a parent, teacher, church worker, grandparent or in any position that has interactive components.
Becoming a grandparent has taken me back to the days of when I was a parent with young children. Those were the tricks I used as a parent to make my parenting smooth and seamless, ways that worked for me more often than not. That is what prompted me to write something useful for young parents. Many new parents live without these structures in mind. They were raised with less attention to outcomes, or with a different, less structured, model. I want these new parents to know that they can take charge of their parenting and they can teach their children to behave by making good behavior the expected, not the rare, behavior. Most of this content may be applied to teaching and any authority position with children.
The number one error I see parents making, and this includes people in the church, is they are abdicating their role as parent and have given their child(ren) the power. The kids decide almost everything and the parents run around bribing them to make them behave. This is a recipe for disaster. Children are over indulged in almost every area. Can you see where this is heading?
I like peace and calm, but I dislike anger and disruptive conditions.
I was a young parent once; I remember that I set clear parameters for my children’s behavior. Then I went about finding ways to teach, train, and model what I expected them to learn and do. I taught my children to obey me, to follow my instructions, to listen to me. It wasn’t easy or perfect, but I knew where I was headed and kept at it til we got there. Yet I wasn’t a harsh disciplinarian, either.
For example, my daughters had to let me do their hair before we went somewhere. That’s the way it was. They knew the expectation. “Another “for instance,” when I walked from the parking lot into church (quite a distance), the baby was in one arm, the other hand held my 14 month old’s hand, and her other hand was holding the two year old’s hand. I taught them to do this and it wasn’t hard once they learned to listen to me and to follow the expectation. They sat in restaurants and didn’t run all over the place. It didn’t happen over night but it did happen because a parameter for acceptable behaviors became the norm in our family.
Consistency in your own behavior as a parent is one of the keys to this process. Consistency in your home life and its structure is also necessary for success, believe me. In order to establish my home according to a well-rounded and peaceful model and as a good place to be, I looked around at parents who demonstrated behaviors I appreciated, then I incorporated some family dynamics I appreciated from my experiences as a child.
Parenting is a mind game.
To keep your sanity, you have to know what you are going to do long before the catastrophic event happens i.e. I will not yell at, slap, or shame my child, never ever. When you allow yourself to be drawn into it, anger and frustration will take over (especially when you’re tired….which is, always). I was not around much anger as a child, which made me notice it all the more in others.
We all have triggers: impatience, frustration, depression, pressure, tiredness, concerns, and so forth. A child’s disobedience, accidents, back-talk or sass will contribute to our frazzled nerves. However, care must be given to how we raise our children. Child rearing is much more than feeding, clothing, and keeping them clean. How we are going to react when they push our buttons must be considered in advance of the issue because sometimes, frankly, we’re just not up to it. That’s when it helps to have a plan to manage our own behavior.
There are some “watch” areas that must be considered for the emotional health of your child. Strong mental health starts in childhood. It troubles me when children are scorned, verbally beaten down, criticized, scolded, shamed, blamed, nagged, or belittled. As a teacher, I’ve seen a lot of this. We all see it. Just go to the grocery store. Watch the dynamics, you can tell a lot by the child’s reactions.
Children know when they are being treated unfairly or harshly. They will react. On the other hand, a mistake is made when children are indulged and given everything they want. This is also harmful to their well-being. They become spoiled and self-centered. They have tantrums and melt-downs. Some are out of control. Some become unkind and combative. It is better to leave a store than to placate the child or the next time you will have a repeat performance. Hey, it worked the first time! Kids figure out your parameters.
A problem that needs to be addressed has to do with power; who has the power in the family unit: There is a common misconception about managing a child’s behavior. Contrary to what many seem to think, children do not know what is best for them. More and more the children are calling the shots in the home. What is commonly believed as creating independence in children is actually not in their best interest. It breaks down when the children are too young for the responsibility and are given too much authority. Children have not the experience nor discernment.
Parents have established a habit that undermines their authority when they, more often than not, ask their young children what they want to do, what they want to eat, where they want to go, what they want to wear or buy, and on and on it goes. What if they don’t like what is planned for dinner? Do you become a short-order cook? How will they learn to like their vegetables? What if they want to play videos until 3:00 in the morning? Do you let them? Who is running the home? A parent must see that they are giving the reins to their child and abdicating their part in developing character and good health when they fail to provide the structure their children need. Some day the child is going to have to eat foods they don’t like or their health will be compromised. Every body needs good nutrition to function well.
Poor behavior is also linked to a high sugar, carbohydrate diet that may include too many sugary snacks, sweetened drinks, and fast food. An inadequate diet makes children edgy and irritable. We are what we eat. Allowing children to eat whenever they want to contributes to childhood obesity and lack of personal discipline. Parents, it helps to have something your children can eat that is always acceptable and beneficial i.e. apples, oranges, cheese sticks, nuts and so forth. Some yogurts and fruit snacks are high in sugars, just saying. Children don’t feel well when their diet is poor.
Responsibility is taught. All children should have to do things they don’t like including some chores, inside the house and outside (if possible). When they’re a teenager, don’t let them think that they’re too good to work at a fast-food joint. What happens in the home is up to the parent and shouldn’t be the decision of the young child. A child doesn’t have the maturity, wisdom, or self-discipline, and they shouldn’t have the power. You may want their suggestions and opinion, but it is the parents responsibility to make the ultimate choice.
When the child(ren) are making all the choices, it makes the parent seem weak and not in control. Then the child begins to lose respect for the parent. By the time they are a teen, they may be cussing out the parent or worse because there is no level of respect in place.
Respect is earned and reinforced.
It is okay to say “no” to a child, and it won’t harm their self-concept. In fact, when it is needful, a definite “no” will do them a favor and help them with life. Children respond well to fair and reasonable parameters. Many parents are afraid to discipline their children because society has influenced a misleading perception that it is harmful to the child to thwart the child’s wishes. Quite the opposite is true. Teachers find that consistent structure provides safety, and calm voices provide safety. Children need safety to learn and perform the expected. Tension and anger will disrupt a child’s ability to feel safe and think well.
It is harmful to not discipline a child. We do a disservice to our children when we make the world revolve around their wants and happiness. The long-range view is to consider what this uncoralled willfulness will do for them as they enter adulthood. If we want our children to become mature, responsible people, then they must learn self-discipline and self-restraint. Close to this issue is another one, the overindulgence of children’s wants.
The common scenario is to overindulge with toys and electronic devices and food. Actually it is good for us adults to use some restraint in this area. Have children work towards purchasing a special item. Give them some extra chores as a way to earn some spending money. Then they will know the satisfaction of paying for something they want out of their own money, and they will also gain a sense of self-worth in the process. As parents (and grandparents), we must discipline ourselves in this area as well. (It’s called self-control) There are also the non-negotiables, the responsibilities which come with being part of a family. Everyone chips in on some things (and without pay).
Discipline promotes self-discipline and this helps a child learn to manage their behavior in appropriate ways. Discipline teaches that there is a connection between action and consequences, and that you are responsible for your own actions. However, discipline must be done with care and purpose; it should be firm, not harsh, and it should be fair and respectful. Discipline that is cruel, humiliates, or demeans, does not teach self-discipline, and it is not acceptable. It is considered abuse because it harms the child.
There was a student who didn’t want to go to school. Over the course of a few days he refused to get out of bed every morning. In desperation his parents called the principal. The principal went their home to tell the child to get out of bed so he could go to school. The boy was in first grade. He was in control at home. His parents pacified him with food and toys. I had this same student as an eighth grader. By then he ruled at home, was aggressive with his parents and other adults, and was scary to teach (he swore at me). He was in my face, mocked me, and was belligerent. That was a long year! Believe me, it pays to figure it out when they’re young.
Treat children the way you like to be treated. Be attentive to their understanding and conceptions. Be patient with them. They don’t always understand what we want of them. We may undeservedly punish them for something in which they didn’t understand the directive, or they may be too young for the level of our expectation. As a parent, we must think about what we are doing before we do or say it.
Our words have the power of influence. One mother was telling me about how she almost aborted her daughter, a daughter who was in the same room while we were talking and old enough to understand. Her insensitivity shocked me. They were harmful words and destructive and should not have been said in her daughter’s presence. Another thing to consider, an emotionally reactive, nit-picky and unpleasable parent will cause the family to walk on egg-shells. This creates tension in the home environment. I can’t stress it enough, all children need a safe place.
I think back to some of the ways I parented my children. I truly believe you must treat a child with dignity. They are little people, but they still deserve respect. I believe it is harmful to make fun of a child or shame them, especially when this is done in front of family members or friends. Be careful even with your use of sarcasm. Words do hurt. They communicate a message about the child’s value and worth. It helps for you to know what your limits are because in the moment you will go slightly beyond them.
Formulate a parameter for your own behavior when your temper is getting the best of you, and it happens to most of us, then there will be a natural warning that sounds off in your head like a brake that sends an internal warning, I’m beginning to lose control, I better give myself a time out! And then do so. You will monitor your reactions and stop yourself. Your children will benefit from your ability to control your temper and your words. I often silently pray for wisdom when I feel myself getting upset (I still have a teen at home). The spiritual has its place, too, in the rearing of children.
I wish you well in your parenting.
I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.