Ten years ago I thought I was stepping into a new chapter in my life. I hoped to start a ministry to help hurting women in the Christian church. I would call it Meridian Ministries, with a global mindset, to reach the world with God’s message of grace and healing. My willingness to serve God with my heart and soul, my past and present personal experiences, plus the depth of my understanding of the human condition in relationship to the spiritual, were uniquely fitted for leading with a servant’s heart.

I believed God had brought me through the trials for this very reason, to use me to speak life to others in need of it. I wasn’t brave, but I was willing to be broken bread and poured out wine for his purposes. I did not talk about Meridian Ministries, but it was close to my heart.

I sketched a logo  to match the dream and wrote out a purpose statement. I told my pastor and his wife about my desire and asked them if they would pray for me and Meridian Ministries. I then talked to a woman in my church about how to write a business plan. She gave me helpful, practical advice. I prayed and believed.

It was after I opened up about my own story that I felt I could help others with their’s. I had shared my story of pain here and my transforming here with my church family in 2007 and then on my Meridian Woman blog, and lastly, here on this blog. A man in my church had recorded the talks at my request and then I made tapes and CDs to share with others. A friend of mine suggested I send the CDs to the then James Dobson’s Focus on the Family ministry, he thought they might get some traction there. So I wrote a letter and sent them off. Another friend began distributing copies of the CDs to people where he worked as a concierge.

The CDs were well-received and were helping people. He kept reporting back to me about how they were ministering to hurts, and I was amazed. He believed in my story more than I did and wanted me to package them for distribution. Around that time, I began writing my personal story of pain and healing, titled, When It Hurts, and spent two summer vacations (teacher) furiously working on the manuscript every spare minute.

Focus on the Family said they would take a look at my CDs, but that was the last I heard from them. The book coach I went to when the book was finished, said my writing was that of an amateur, and I would be better off to learn the craft of writing before continuing on. She recommended I write a new book instead of trying to fix a book that doesn’t work.

Pop! That took the wind out of my sails: 100 single spaced 8 x 10 pages all for naught. I went home deflated, put the manuscript in a manila envelope and packed it away. I couldn’t face another go ’round. Around that time I went through a romantic break-up that left me unsettled and bereft. One more nail in the coffin. A couple of months later I was sued for custody of my youngest daughter. This would zap my energy, my emotions, and my finances big time. I would fight for her. She was in seventh grade.

I couldn’t see how to get the ministry off the ground, and I didn’t have the partners it would take to help launch a ministry. Over the next few years I would see other women leading the charge and doing quite well with it. I was pleased they could do it, and I was happy that women were being helped, but sad I couldn’t. I had thought God was in it, but maybe not. So I gave up the dream and let it slip away, but the desire to help others, especially the silent suffering women, never left me.

More years have come and gone since then. Now I’m ten years older and the dream seems less likely. I’ve learned and grown some more. It is not what I thought it would be, and I have learned to be okay with that. God is in control. He leads and I follow. He is the needle and I am the thread. It is my desire to speak the words he gives me and none others. Sometimes I long for what isn’t, which is natural given the circumstances.

But this I know, it is God who gives the increase. I am to do what he gives me and to do it to the best of my ability. God helps himself to our lives and then uses them for his glory. He knows our hearts, and he uses the faithful to accomplish his will.

My words for you are these, don’t ever give up, seek God, help others, and smile at life. You may not know the path, and most of us don’t, but God does. You can trust him for the journey. He is ever with you. He loves you beyond your imaginations. Give of your best to the Master, and abide in him always. Love God. Let God’s love flow through you. In Christ, you are able. In Christ, you are freed. In Christ, you are becoming a new creature. In Christ, you can face anything. Old things have passed away, behold, all things are new. God is your sufficiency. He is enough. Take your burdens to the cross and leave them there.

We all have dreams. We all have disappointments. How do we make sense of what happens, when it seems as if God disappoints? Our dreams and desires can be good things, but if they are not of God’s will and purpose for us, though they be good, then we don’t want to do them. One of the best ways you can always fulfill your purpose is to be a light and let it shine. Shine for Jesus. Amen.

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P.S. I have two other dreams, too. I’d like to conduct a prayer summit for women .. a simply structured full day of prayer, with a simple lunch, a prayer walk, group sessions and private prayer sessions, with contemplative silences. The other dream is to have a plot of land with a farm house, a small chapel, a walking path with benches and wood burned scripture sayings, a fire pit to gather around for Friday night singing and to facilitate interactive spiritual discussions with contemplative thoughts, with one rule, you can’t argue scripture. I love mind enriching discourse. A simple communal meal is communally prepared. The place would be for rejuvenation and spiritual renewal similar to The Lord’s Land on the coast.

P.S.S. The blog photo was taken in 2010 on the very last day of court proceedings regarding custody of my daughter.