Category Archives: Loss

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When a Somber Day Turned Great

Oh, I remember it well . . . .

My husband had left me. . . My work was not enough. . . I didn’t know what to do. . . I gave up as I sat there on the couch and lit a candle. I thought back on all the hard times and rough times and empty times. They had never been enough. Never had someone tried as hard as I did, but it was not enough.

My mate didn’t want me. Never had wanted me. I had eked out a living in spite of all the negative’s. Lord knows I tried. He was gone, and I was alone. The kids were grieving, I couldn’t blame them. Even my youngest tried to make sense of it. She asked her sister (who was a senior) and then she asked me. I tried but I couldn’t help her.

I sat on the couch. I brought some candles and sat them on the piano bench which I had drawn near me. It was a Saturday. I spent my Saturday mornings in the Word, praying, thinking, writing, and moping. I was trying my best to get up and beyond the craziness of it all. After some time I went outside to walk in the orchard.

When I walked I sensed God’s being with me. I loved how he walked with me. The Lord touched me. He let me know He was with me. He met my need. He let me know He loved me even though I felt highly unlovable. I could see His cross and the sword piercing his side. I wept. The tears raced down my cheeks. I hurt because Christ hurt for me and everybody. I cried and cried. I let it all come out. My tears were small compared to the tears and pain he experienced long ago on the hill called Mount Calvary.

The tears came to a stop. I reached out to God and He reached back. Some how in that moment of suffering Christ came in and touched me: healing me, freeing me, helping me, and making me anew. How He did it, I do not know, I just know he did it. God freed me. God made me anew. My tears stopped flowing. I looked at the trees around me. I breathed deeply. And breathed again.

I was different. The pain that I had carried for 20 years was gone. I still hurt BUT the silent pain was gone, and I can say now, it was forever gone. Hard times were still in effect but I was different now. God met my need. He carried my cross. He helped me see that good times were ahead of me. I was still uncertain. I wasn’t sure if this was permanent. But it was. That was amazing. Praise be to God, my Father.

I was on a healing journey from that day on. I didn’t want to but I had to give up on my marriage. I simply had no choice. God taught me through it. God brought good out of it, too. I can see that now. Some things take a great deal of time to work through. In fact, some times you can’t see your way through the difficulty. God will be with you through the many major and minor steps you will make. What I want to say the most is this: Never Give Up. God is with you,

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Add a New Year and Then?

A Look Back

A new year is here. We look at what is ahead of us. We’re kind of excited but we’re uncertain as well. On my next birthday I will join the group of seventy-somethings. I can hardly believe it. It’s like my life has been lived in walled off sections. There were the first years, starting in Southern California, then a move to Northern California. Working on the farm. Making crafts, sewing clothes, singing in trios with my sisters, in choir, and performing in West Germany while in high school. Next I went to a private college in Oregon (many stories from those years) and graduated, My life took a turn and I married, moved and grew, became a teacher, then program specialist, and then a writer. I became a mother of five, and was divorced after twenty-one (troubling) years. The years were both fun-filled and heart-wrenching, but I worked hard to keep it all as good as I could.

Spiritually, I kept striving forward, even during the very difficult days. God was my Rock. He kept me close during the good and bad days. He held me up when I sinking and could not find a way out. I loved being a mom. I tried my hardest to be a good mom. I also tried to be a good wife, That didn’t work out so well. Most of the years we were married, my mate wanted out. I couldn’t accept his view. I didn’t believe Christians should be unfaithful and divorce. You can imagine the trouble it made. We saw the act of marriage from two different viewpoints. Of course, we kept our opinions to ourselves, which made the distress much greater when it occurred. I’m not going to say much about our marriage other than it was hard on all of us and still impacts us in curious ways today.

A Look Forward

As I look forward I realize there is much to look forward to…although it is a much quieter life. Right now I’m in Florida with four of my five adult children. I enjoy my grown-children and am more of an encourager than a participant. There are seven grandchildren.. They’re all so busy and loving life. Yesterday we went to the white sandy beach on the coast of Florida. No one could go in the surf deeper than their knees because the wind was making the waves sort of scary. Clouds in the pure blue sky were lovely. Thomas (my second son) and Titus (my oldest grandchild) were busy hunting wildflowers to take pictures of them. Some made a sandcastle, a real beaut. Then they all joined in a big circle and tossed a Frisbee back and forth. I’m so glad for the life they have, and it is a good life. My three single sons are busy with work (Josh-Montana, Thomas-Texas, and Forrest-Florida). Best of all was seeing each one of them and my daughter and her family.

When I look forward now, I can see that what I have to offer is more in the depth kind of wishes. I spend a considerable amount of time reading God’s Word. God has much to teach me, I study and am amazed. I contemplate. What does God mean when He says thus and so. There is much He wants to teach, if I will but take the time to read and listen. For God has a way of talking to us when we take the time to honor and listen to Him. About a year ago I was discouraged. I was unhappy that my life had changed because of my stroke. And the diabetes was a double stamp of trouble. I struggled. I complained a bit. I also was going through my grandparents stuff, mainly letters and paper things from both sides. There seemed to be no end in sight. I decided to read a few of the letters. I gained an understanding of the part they played in my life. Every person had a part to play, As You and I look forward to the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, we will meet obstacles, hardships, pleasant moments and joy-filled days and unforseen obstacles we haven’t encountered yet…but God knows and will keep us headed in the right direction. We may not know the right way, but He does. That brings me comfort.

But Really, Look at Today

One thing I know is that we have today. Each day God gives to us is a day of promise. He promises to be with us, to help us, to lead us, to make things clear to us, to lift us up, to carry us a long, to sustain us, to provide for us, to minister to us, to dry our tears, to keep us trudging along even when we”d rather quit, to make us into an exceptional rose with high value and a ever fervent scent, someone who is judiciously remarkable in His kingdom. We smile at someone, and they are blessed. We stand up for a right thing, and someone else is blessed. We help someone, and they are blessed by our offer. We share our faith and someone notices. We make someone smile…we pull a weed…we comb our hair, and then theirs…we make a dinner, and then share it with someone, we sweep our sidewalk and do our neighbors next…and so forth.

But most of all we can pray. It helps when you make your prayer more than the same one that you did yesterday. There are so many different things we can pray for that are way beyond our ordinary lists. The things we complain about we can turn around by praying for them. Our problems and sins will do well when we pray for them. Praise God in your prayers, which is unbelievably uplifting. Thank Him for the many, many blessings that you and others have been given. Open your heart to His voice. He will bless you abundantly. Thank Him for the multiple blessings He has brought to you and your family. Be gracious for all the various nuances He affords to you time and time again. For example, look at the sky, thank Him for the air that you breathe, the clouds and/or the rain that refreshes the earth. Just think of all the blessings you can than God for regarding your body and things like that. It amazes.

However, What Does It All Mean?

We should learn and we must learn. If all we do is sit and watch television or watch videos on our computer we are wasting the time that God has allowed us to live. We are to be productive for God. And that means more than we were before this day in time. Our circumstances change, like mine did, but we have the capacity to live completely in Him regardless of the way God is directing our path. To be honest, I thought I would have to give up this blog because of my stroke. I was willing to but I didn’t want to. I thought you wouldn’t miss it much. I wasn’t even sure you were reading it, since I rarely see comments. But then, and because of one of my faithful friends (MJB), I realized that my words encourage others.

This is it for today. God bless you. He is able.