Category Archives: Relationships

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Forgiving

Forgiveness comes when a right attitude toward the offense is present and we want to put it behind us. Saying the words I forgive you may mean little. It all depends. Are they insincere or heart-felt, meant to appease or meant as truth, are they false words or true words? True forgiveness has everything to do with the heart’s motivation, the mind’s attitude and the soul’s condition. Unfair, unkind, and unloving treatment from others is quite difficult to release, let alone, to forgive. Your mind has to work itself around the thought. Your heart is soon to follow.

Harbored bitterness and resentments form a catalyst. They create unhealthy bonds to that person or said event where one was wronged. These wounds result in an inability to live free. Unforgiveness is like being in bondage and never free from its damage. If there was abuse or mistreatment of some kind, it is extra hard to forgive the offender because the damage goes deep. A person might feel like they are letting the abuser off the hook by forgiving them. Actually, the person who benefits the most is the person who forgives. The other person may have no regrets.

With the act of forgiveness, it is yourself you must deal with because you own your own feelings, not their feelings. The body can begin to heal once the offender and offense have been released through forgiveness. What also leaves is the desire to avenge yourself, and the anger that has darkened your own soul. It is by confronting, letting go, and then giving it to God that one finds the capacity to release the hold that revenge, bitterness and hatred have harbored in you.

Is it easy to forgive? Not at all. Is it possible? Yes. It may take a long time of concentrated effort and prayer. Forgiveness is often accomplished by layers and layers of letting go; every time the thought returns you give it to God, again. I’d like to say you can always forgive. Quite honestly, I don’t know if it is. But I do know it should always be desired. An attitude of forgiveness is the first milestone that must be met. Sometimes it will be accomplished in one prayerful exchange. Our attitude is key and our level of trust in God makes a difference. Yet it is a hard thing and simple solutions are meaningless. Forgiving is not a formula-driven enterprise.

My experience with forgiveness involves two areas. First, I must possess a willingness to surrender the offense. Second, I must willingly offer mercy to the other person(s). I, like you, didn’t think the other person deserved my forgiveness–they hurt me, right?–like the people who crucified Jesus didn’t deserve His forgiveness. Remember Christ’s words? “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Mercy is greatly enabled through God’s mercy. It is difficult to forgive without His help. When we have pockets of resentments, it helps to recognize where unforgiveness, ungratefulness, and bitterness reside in us.

Most of us have a few poor behaviors of our own making. What can we do about these? There is a need for us to ask God to reveal the truth about our own behaviors, whether or not they have hurt others. One must forgive the offender for their offense, but one must also acknowledge their own offenses, their acts of unkindness and areas where they have withheld acceptance, approval or support. God uses His mirror to reflect His image and to reveal our hearts. Sorrow for pain we have caused to others is a step towards our own healing. There is no room for pride or superiority.

“Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret.” 2 Corinthians 7:10

I was in a world of pain after my marriage disintegrated when my husband left me and our family. It was easy to cast blame, but I was blind to my own actions. Through quiet times with God where I sought Him for healing and change in my life, He began to reveal my own not-so-nice stuff with His mirror of truth. I became aware of my areas of weakness and my bent towards self-protection for what they were, and my lack of appropriate responses for what they were.

My actions weren’t terrible things or horrible behaviors but they had caused hurt. It was as if God was bringing to the forefront the ways I had, albeit unknowingly, caused pain to my family. This knowledge unleashed a deep sorrow within me. I began remembering those times I did not speak words of appreciation for gifts or deeds, thoughts which caused tears to flow. I knew that I must speak words of apology and seek forgiveness, and I did. A rich cleansing took place as godly sorrow which leads to repentance purified my inner person. It changed me. An amazing peace entered. I was free.

God continues to reveal areas in which I need to forgive. It is never easy. I can be quite blind to my resentments. There isn’t a pat formula for forgiving. It is very individual. It takes time to work things through until you can get there. The ability to forgive is a spiritual act of mercy, which blends grace and goodness and a heart that wishes for it.

God’s love compels us to do the right thing, whether it is the offering of a prayer of forgiveness or it is going to someone and saying the words. It may be us asking someone to forgive our temper or unkind comment. Staying close to God is a motivator. We are unable to remain free-flowing in our walk with God when there is something blocking His and our communion with each other. A darkness or lack of closeness with God is an indicator that there is a problem. When it seems that way, I suggest the following. Ask God if there is something that has caused a wedge between you and Him. Then actively wait for Him to reveal the thing. He may take you back to an event or action from months or years ago. Then act upon it.

I will give you an example.

Back in 2008 I noticed an almost imperceptible change in my relationship with people in my church. I also became aware that my walk with God was less lively. I talked to one of the deacons in the church when we were at an event. It was an outdoor BBQ that day and I had just sat down after singing with the worship team. I told him that there seemed to be some distance between me and others that hadn’t been there in the past. With a tender look, he spoke to the issue and was able to tell me what he thought may have caused it. He said that i was so excited about my spiritual life that it looked like I’d arrived spiritually and the rest of them hadn’t.

I responded that the changes in me were real, that God had done them, not me, and the excitement on my part was because of the newfound joy I was experiencing, which was true.  I said I wanted everyone to experience it, and I never wanted to seem like I was better than others.

But it made me think.

It was about perceptions. He was apologetic for telling me, but I appreciated his honesty. That week I prayed for God to reveal to me specifically whom I had offended. Three people came to mind, one being my eldest daughter. I wrote letters to all three. Should you do this, I suggest you follow His leading and not your own impulses.

Dear Father God, You are so good to us. You redeem the past to set us free.

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A Story about Honesty & How to Model Responsible Behavior to Your Children

“How do you save

someone from themselves?

You can’t.

You can love them,

you can help them,

you can provide for them,

but you can’t save them.”

Those are sort of discouraging words. There is a limit to what we can do for someone who is intent on heading a wrong direction with their life. I wrote those words on a tablet a couple of years ago. I don’t know why I wrote them or who I was thinking about at the time. I surmise it was to do with a young person who is not coming up to speed in some way. Looking at the words, I think I would add one more line; at some point, a person must become responsible for their own life.

On a talk show this week, I was listening to a discussion about young people and how they are today in comparison to a couple of decades ago. The host was interviewing a counselor in the college-university system. She said that she has been in the business for twenty-five years. She said that young people are much farther behind than young people were twenty years ago. She went on to say, college freshman today are much less prepared for school (and life) and there are reasons for this. Many of them have not failed because their parents have been making sure everything goes right for them. Intervening when there is an uncomfortable issue. Parents have been cleaning up the messes rather than giving their children the experiences of handling their own problems and the responsibility that comes with meeting the expectation. They haven’t had to face the consequences of their poor choices because of their parents’ willingness to step in and fix things on their behalf.

To be honest, I’ve been guilty of this at times. I have also practiced tough love on a couple of occasions because I knew I had to.

The discussion was about parents learning to allow their children to fail for the child’s own personal growth, and the need for adults to teach their children and young people how to become responsible for themselves. A parent’s role includes cheering their child on, by showing them that they are encouraging their personal growth–“This is great! Good job! See what you learned!” Responsibilities are something a parent expects and has a follow-through plan to help make it happen. Parents were encouraged to work on two areas at a time with each of their children. When those skills are acquired, they go on to the next two skills. They have a reasonable progression, a list, of areas they want their child to know and do before they leave home for college. They don’t overwhelm by having too many expectations at one time.

Intentional parenting is involved. It is like old-fashioned horse sense with kindness mixed in for good measure.

It all sounds good (one of the speakers has four children and has raised thirteen foster children and seemed to know what he was talking about). But, but, but. But, alas, sometimes it is pretty tough to make it all work out well. The goal, to prepare our children for life and to become responsible adults, is a good one, and there are ways to aim at it. As a parent of five, I can attest that the effort involved in solid parenting is much more difficult than it appears. It has its discouraging moments and it has its difficult challenges. It also has its rewards and its celebrations. Achievements are often the result of consistent learning of right behaviors, and also learning from failure when it happens, too.

There are times you must step back and let your child face the consequences for their actions. For example, I remember walking my oldest child back to the store to pay for some caps he took from a five and dime. I found him smashing the caps with a rock on the front stoop. He was in kindergarten or first grade. It was a life lesson. He was shy and it was painful for both of us. I had him speak to the male clerk, who was a tall man. Later on, this son of mine developed a penchant for finding lost items. The first thing he found was in the park when he was in first grade. It was a state-of-the-art, gold, extra-fancy with a long blade, pocket knife. It was a beauty. I wanted him to keep it, that’s a natural impulse, but it wasn’t his to keep. I knew I had a responsibility to teach him to do the right thing and that we don’t keep what isn’t ours in the first place. We turned the pocket knife in to the park personnel.

From then on, Son 1 would find all sorts of things, two bicycles on two different occasions, a white purse with $60 in it while in 8th grade and riding his bike out in the country, a Guess watch at an Oregon campground, many, many cell phones and so forth. Every single one he turned in to the proper authorities. Only the Guess watch was sent back to him 6 months later. I knew he was honest as the day is long the day I mistakenly carried a coiled hose out of a farm store without paying for it, when my son, realizing what I had done, grabbed the hose and immediately went back inside the store to pay for it. He was in high school at the time. Interesting, isn’t it?

Do all the good you can and the best you can. But then you have to let go and let them face their own choices. I believe it is essential to do this, or we end up with adult children who never grow up because they’ve never had to.