Category Archives: Relationships

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MISSING MY SWEET MOTHER

Mother

MY MOTHER passed on one year ago. She’s been in my thoughts a lot lately. She was a gift to us. I see that more clearly now.

Many fine qualities could be used to describe her. She was beautiful, kind, loving, gracious, sweet, hardworking, industrious, loyal, talented, creative, musical, artistic, faithful and the list goes on. Mother married at eighteen, “almost nineteen” she would say. She was mature for her age. The children arrived one right after the other, most of them just barely over a year apart.

Mother managed to cook, sew, garden, can produce, knit and crochet–and those were the days of cloth diapers! She took her faith seriously, and spiritual training was part of our upraising. Mother was a good mama to us. She really was.

Then life changed for her. Life becomes harder as health becomes compromised. Mother had  been suffering from diabetes complications and from a minor stroke, which then necessitated a walker and assistance. She no longer could do life on her own. The pleasures she’d known were no longer enjoyed. When life for her became different, it became different for us as well.

After Mother had a gentle home-going and we said our last goodbye. Next came the busyness of attending to Dad and his world. He became our focus. He had a health event shortly after Mom’s passing. Then therapy and recuperation. I lived with him awhile after he returned home to their ranch home. In December he moved to a retirement community.

Dad talked more about Mom then, saying he missed her, how they had had a good life together, how he’d made the right choice in marrying her. He wasn’t used to life without his partner. Dad wanted photos of her for his room, for his wallet (to show people in his new community), and their photo albums from travels and celebrations.

I didn’t seem to have time to grieve Mom’s passing, though. With Dad moving, there was the house, furnishings, and fixing up to do. It’s taken my siblings and me most of this year to do all that. The blessing in this is that it’s brought my mom closer. Looking at old photos, reading old orchestra programs from Mom’s concerts, organizing, distributing, packing her books into boxes made me see her interests and concerns more clearly. My sister Marilyn and I even took in an orchestra concert together at Mom’s former venue. Nostalgic. Welcome.

Mother’s paintings, oh my. Each of us and our children got two a piece. They seemed most important of all to the grands, as something tangible to remember Grandma by. I came across cards and letters exchanged between Dad and Mom from his time on a navy ship up through recent years, and pictures and cards from her children and grandchildren. They were important to her, tucked away in a dresser drawer for safekeeping.

Mother was wonderful. She loved us with heart and soul. It’s uncanny what I miss. I miss her iced tea, Sunday roast beef dinners, tapioca pudding and homemade ice cream. I miss talking with her about my life and sharing ways I’m active. I attribute my start in writing to Mother. She knew of my interest and wanted me to succeed, and she believed in my message. My books were sent to her relatives with a note from her.

Mom liked to listen to me talk. We chatted at length each visit. She’d also come to my presentations/lessons/classes at my church. She was interested in what I had to say and would comment about it later. I would ask her what she thought about this or that. I appreciated her feedback. I knew she’d be honest with me.

I hope it’s alright to say this. One of the most special times for me was when Mother wrote in a card that she admired me. That was a gift to treasure and cherish. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. I couldn’t quite take it in that Mother had said that about me. I’ve always seen myself as so ordinary in my own estimation. She bestowed on me a timeless blessing that day.

Mother had boxes of fabric, more than we could use. As I let my friends help themselves to Mother’s fabric, patterns, and related items, one of them said she didn’t realize the extent of Mrs. Brumbaugh’s talents, my mom was quiet, unassuming, and reserved. My friends were quite honored to receive the material, and said it would mean more because they had known my mom. The sentiment was beautiful and heartwarming.

Dear Mother, I wish you were here, I love you so. The good times are happy memories now. You’re always in my heart.

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PERSPECTIVE INFORMS a LIFESTYLE

Serenity in Real Life: Sobriety and Peace

The Symptoms of Inner Peace

YEARS AGO my brother-in-law rehabbed a second time and never went off-the-wagon for the rest of his life. He was determined, but his sobriety was hard won at that. Not long after, my sister-in-law divorced him. Being left so abruptly was a hard pill for him to swallow. Jerry persevered. To maintain a level of peace and equilibrium as a suddenly single person dealing with heartbreak and sobriety required extra effort on his part. He knew he needed emotional support. Reading, prayer, and self-care became part of his life. He took this process seriously. That’s when he reached out to me. He knew I also was in a world of hurt.

Jerry shared what he was learning with me. The Serenity Prayer was a favorite of his. He nurtured serenity in his life. Participation in Alcoholics Anonymous helped him implement appropriate balance. These meetings were like his lifeblood. They kept him focused. Through AA  came effective support. The Twelve Step program served as a guide as he improved and defined his daily life. Jerry looked to God to help him face many a challenge. I borrowed his 12 Step manual. I saw the beauty of it as I read its pages and identified with its content. The 12 steps were similar to my own path to healing though without the book and enacted through my own intentional transformation. I thought the similarities uncanny.
Jerry invited me over every so often to talk about life in general. We discussed our ups and downs: problems, concerns, solutions, behaviors, disappointments; you know the drill. Both of us had the painful aftermath of rejection in common. This common bond caused a joining that was rich indeed.  In the other person, we experienced an empathetic understanding in response to the hand we’d been dealt. Neither of us had wanted our divorces.
Pain is a powerful emotion. Jerry addressed his struggles head-on. As a result of his effort, a new quality soon surfaced in Jerry that hadn’t been quite so obvious in our earlier acquaintance. I had known Jerry for over twenty years but had never thought him particularly religious. Now he would start our visits with an uplifting devotional, and he would end them in a heartfelt prayer. I knew his prayers went straight to the throne of grace. We often talked about spiritual concepts, especially salvation and God’s work in our lives. His faith was fresh and unspoiled like the innocent trust of a child. Not too many months out, he remarried and thus came an end to our visits.

Jerry shared with me many writings during our year or two of visits. He had gotten these through Alcoholic Anonymous and elsewhere. One of them stood out, The Symptoms of Inner Peace. He gave me a copy after I asked for one. The truth is . . . I believe Jerry accessed peace in the middle of the storm. God became big enough in Jerry’s mind for him to deal with every problem that came his way–and somehow without a buildup of resentment. Amazingly, I can confidently say Jerry lived the words of Symptoms of Inner Peace.

 

Inner peace speaks life to the soul. You know you have it when your thoughts and wishes have changed from being me-focused and having to be right all the time, to other-focused and being okay with what is. Inner transformation changes the way you live your life. Perspective informs a lifestyle.

Symptoms of Inner Peace

1.  A tendency to think and act deliberately, rather than from fears based on past experiences.
2.  An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
3.  A loss of interest in judging others.
4.  A loss of interest in judging self.
5.  A loss of interest in conflict.
6.  A loss of interest in interpreting the action of others.
7.  A loss of ability to worry.
8.  Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
9.  Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
10.  Frequent attacks of smiling through the heart.
11.  Increasing susceptibility to kindness offered, and the uncontrollable urge to reciprocate.
12. An increasing tendency to allow things to unfold, rather than resisting and manipulating.

 

You are fortunate if you have peace like that. Real peace doesn’t allow for comparisons or resentments to grow and fester. I have noticed when I walk in close relationship with God, I am more like the words in the writing. Things don’t bother me as much. They simply don’t matter. I can let them go because I mentally ‘will’ to release them. Some play out like an automatic response.

The Rest of the Story

The oncology ward at the local hospital housed my last visit with Jerry. It was a private visit, just him and me. He was quite thin and was recuperating from cancer surgery. The prognosis was not encouraging. He was given months to a year. Sadly, he had just weeks.

Jerry wanted to know about me, how I was doing. We hadn’t talked since he’d married. I shared with him how I had given a talk about my life in church and how it had been recorded. He wanted a copy. That never happened. However, his affirming and encouraging words meant a lot to me. Jerry truly was a dear soul. These days I meet with his youngest daughter whenever we can manage it. His love flows in my niece’s veins. She honors me with her love.

I am thankful for the blessings I received via my friendship with Jerry. He lived serenity. Peace ruled his life in a life-giving sense. I think it worked that way for him because peace links to the spiritual side of things. Jerry apprehended that something extra special in his last years. A frequent saying of his was referring to himself as “Jer Dog,” and he even had the T shirt. He said the “Dog” part was God spelled backwards, because God was important in his life. Always the optimist. Although never a church-going person nor well acquainted with deeper spiritual truths, I believe Jerry’s faith was a very real part of who he was.

Jerry greeted everyone with a smile and was always glad to see you. He is missed by all who knew him. The Serenity Prayer, The Twelve Steps, Symptoms of Peace, and Jer Dog, will for forevermore speak of Jerry in my thoughts.

R.I.P. Jerry Dean