Category Archives: Relationships

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FOSTER PARENTING

CLOSE to a year ago, my daughter mentioned they were looking into foster parenting. She said it started with seeing a billboard stating the gargantuan need for homes for foster children in their state. The thought persisted, and they began looking into it. Next they took classes and completed the necessary steps for fostering. Months later, they were ready. Their own four children became part of this acclimating process.

No one asked my opinion. I was wise enough to keep my opinion to myself. This was their deal. I would support it. I did have some misgivings, however, which is rather natural given the circumstances. I visited a couple of months after the first two foster siblings entered their home. The little ones were adapting, growing, and beginning to thrive. I saw growth happening during the time I was in their home. Behavior was calming down. Love was like a blanket covering the home. My heart cheered this effort on. Two more siblings were being considered at the time of my departure. Again, I had reservations. Could they really manage four foster siblings, ages 1, 2, 3, and 6, plus their own, ages 4, 5, 7, and 9? Just the thought of it was overwhelming, but my daughter’s family was seriously considering it.

My Thoughts – April 2019 – My Visit

For two weeks I have been with my grandchildren and the new introduction of foster children in my daughter’s and son-in-law’s home. They’re a couple of months into this new adventure. It is both challenging and delightful.

You can blend families together.

Here’s what I observed… and it goes for all parenting, not just fostering. Routine is your friend, always. Consistency is the mode. Love is the answer. Kindness, with strength backing it up, is the method. Children know if you like them, or not. We see this in all walks of life.

Anyone who works with children walks this fine line.

Their influence can change a child’s life. It won’t do so if there is little connection or true like for the child. Children instinctively know if they’re liked. The adult sets the tone and engenders good will as they seek to interact with the young ones in their care. Like able teachers and good parents, they know where they’re heading with it; they know it starts with care, love, and nurture; they know they are in charge of the situation as they employ strategies that effect positive outcomes.

Life is beautiful. It’s all in how you look at it.

If you understand this, you will
-provide ways,
-seek ways,
-and find ways
to enhance the lives of your littles.

Really.

Sometimes we get it muddled and confused. We may think children need to be entertained all the time. What does that teach in the long run? Give them time for creative play that pays dividends in their lives. Provide opportunity to learn how to do chores and, as a result, receive the inner satisfaction (and physical reward) for contributing. Cause and effect is a teachable concept.

Really.

Read books together. This practice is huge toward children’s vocabulary growth and increases background knowledge in science and history or whatever you choose to read with them. Plus, it joins parent with child. My daughter’s foster children already have grown to love books as they are read to on a consistent basis. At first they had no concept of this nor could they sit still and pay attention. Now it’s one of their favorite things to do, and they are attentive and learning.

Really.

Foster parenting is not an easy undertaking. Not only is it a lot of work but there are emotional needs. Trauma leaves its imprint and impacts children’s lives. Their ability to trust may be compromised. In some cases, a foster parent is like a lifeline. They provide a safe haven, nutritious food, healthy boundaries and much, much more. In a way I see it like a calling. You are called to this foster parenting scenario. I believe you must have something to give, with the prior understanding that you will go the distance, like employing lots of patience.

We went to the beach, my daughter and I and the six littles. The surf was gloriously refreshing. Miniature seashells dotted the white sand. The children splashed and played, enthralled with it all. Their sweet faces shone with joy. I enjoyed watching them dance in wonder.

Later on we ate ice cream cones on the patio outside. More laughter and delight. Yes, life is beautiful.

My Thoughts – September 2019 – Their Visit

Recently my daughter and family drove out here for a visit. Their family was with me for two weeks. We had some wonderful interactions. Last week I mentioned that here. My daughter and son-in-law are now fostering a four sibling group. Their natural born children have blended well with this process. Fostering has its challenges. It also has its blessings.

Love expands as you allow it to impress your relationships. I see this in my daughter’s family; and I see it in me. I already know I love their foster children. I will miss them if or when it comes time for moving on.

What I also know is this. Their foster children are being blessed and nurtured through this experience. My daughter and son-in-law are being blessed and nurtured as well.  A fortuitous reason has blended two families for this season. It is important to care for others, to be unselfish, to share what you have. That’s a good thing.

 

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WHAT CHILDREN NEED

Parents, Grandparents and Teachers

We Want to Get This Right

I BECAME A MOTHER at age twenty-seven. I had been teaching for four years by that time. I already had some ideas about parenting. I knew what I liked and what I didn’t like from how I’d been parented. I’d noticed what I liked in other parents. I also knew that parenting is not for wimps. Nurturing, training, teaching, guiding, loving, and helping a child is a lot of work. I was up for the challenge.

Parenting is hard work. Parenting is good work. Parenting is often thankless work. Parenting is often rewarding work.

Children come in all shapes and sizes. Their personalities are all over the map. Talents, intelligence, abilities, interests and so forth make them all unique in their own way. The adults in their lives are given the task of shaping their charges’ little lives, which we all know becomes more challenging as they become teens, then young adults. We want to give them roots with wings, moral strength of character with self confidence.

Mothers need to mother, not smother. The two often get confused. It is both unwise and unbiblical to idolize our children.

My daughter, son-in-law, and eight children are my house guests for a couple of weeks. They live across the country and made a road trip to California to get here. The children’s ages range from one to nine years old. It has been quite the thing. It seems we go from one meal to the next, clean-up, show up, read books, watch old movies, play board games, offer snacks, go on an outing, eat dinner, run around outside, clean-up again.

I must say, it keeps you on your toes.

As a parent, grandparent, former public school teacher and children’s ministry leader, I know more than a little about children. You can know it all, be a hands-on adult figure to a child, and still miss the point. Children know if you like them and love them.  They also know if you have doubts about them or don’t believe in them. Children know if you mean what you say and say what you mean.

Our duty as adults is to be responsible as we encourage right attitudes and develop positive physical, mental, and spiritual health in the children receiving our care. It is up to us to get it right. That is why we should be careful in regard to what the children watch, do, and take in.

I’ve heard it said that the verse, “Train up a child in the way he should go; when he is old he will not depart from it,” is more aptly stated, “Train up a child in his way, according to his bent,” meaning children have their own bents, that adults need to pay attention to this. For example, a parent may wish their child to be an athlete but his/her interest is in a musical venue. This text suggests that we as adults should pay close attention to our children’s hearts, their bent, and then nurture it.

We serve children best by being sensitive to their differences. Some children are crushed by harsh voices and criticism. Others are in need of firm parameters to keep them in check. We need to be mindful of what we do, say, or reprove and what we ignore, excuse, or overlook, what our actions and words imply. Children’s self worth is precarious and can be tenuous when tied to adult approval or disapproval.

Before my daughter’s family arrived, I reminded myself of my duties and influence as a grandparent. I needed a game plan or there would be total overwhelm on my part. I decided to do more than just provide meals, I planned to put into my grandchildren’s lives by treating them with dignity, showing interest in them, by being spontaneous and enthused while caring for their needs, plus drawing lines in the sand with my expectations.

For the times when I am in charge of the whole kit and caboodle, I have streamlined a routine that we follow (for self preservation, too). Each day builds on the day before with little variance except for the outings. The days flow better that way.

Routines and expectations are always your friend when caring for children.

My mental preparation includes the following mindset. I decided how I would direct my own ‘behavior set’ ahead of time, before they arrived. I was slightly nervous so I determined a course of action I would take. It has worked well, so far. Knock on wood!

I am determined to —

  • always be nice but firm, to provide a sense of safety with no disorienting surprises, to maintain a calm voice when directing the children,
  • prepare in advance for any activity, to plan ahead, and to do the dishes every night (!),
  • be proactive in looking for opportunities to teach the gift of wonder, to harness the children’s love of nature,
  • be realistic in my expectations and then reinforce them, to allow the kids to be kids but to disallow any bratty behavior, and to make my corrections clear: You get what you ask for; if you don’t ask for appropriate behavior, then you probably won’t get it,
  • to always be pleasant even when I don’t feel like it, am annoyed or weary, and to make an effort to smile, laugh, show kindness and approval,
  • be present with them, to listen to their talk, to show I like them, to ask questions to demonstrate I’m interested in them, and to be flexible not irritated or impatient: More than anything, my mind game determines the outcome.

Every morning around ten o’clock I read to the two youngest littles. Within a minute or two, all eight children crowd around me on the couch to see the pictures and listen to the story. It’s amazing. My favorite books culled from my teaching days are saved for times like this. I dialogue with the children as I read. They respond openly and honestly. It is a beautiful thing.

Never underestimate the children. Believe in them, believe in all. of. them.

I want to affim them. Guide them. Help them. I want to give them healthy parameters. Help them develop appropriate skills for life. Most of all, I want to love them with healthy love that doesn’t cling but accepts, builds up and interjects wholesomeness.

I can demonstrate I like them by lighting up when I greet them. We can make our face show approval with love that is readable and genuine. This changes it up when issues arise as they always do.

We want to get this right.