END OF THE SPEAR, A True Story by Steve Saint (Tyndale House, 2005)
A book you will enjoy reading in which you will find the collision of two cultures and the plan of God. When two worlds collide one family faces its ultimate challenge. Before reading this book, I did some researching. I was looking for a book for my book dinner ladies that would be authentic and entertaining, spiritual and thought-provoking. End of the Spear was the right book to choose. It was all of the above.
Steve Saint takes us on a personal journey. We get to see how he thinks and what he contemplates. The choices are hard. Would we make the choices he makes? Can a person return and live with a “savage” culture among people who murdered your own father? That is what he is asked to do. It’s the unthinkable. Yet, he knows they have changed. The lives of these Waodani warriors have changed. They have turned away from their vengeful “I’ll get you before you can get me” cultural mores, at least in many ways they have.
Saint wrestles with this idea, and his wife joins in the personal struggle. Then the family makes the jump. They enter the wild unknown, returning to a stone-age culture. This story has many sad and happy moments in it. One thing that Saint does well, he shows how to appreciate another culture without ruining it. He sees the seeds of destruction coming their way which will destroy their land and lives. He makes the hard decisions and becomes part of a bigger process than himself.
Many years ago I was given a copy of The Dance of Anger by my brother-in-law. Both he and I were in crisis mode caused by our mates’ leaving us. It was painful. We would commiserate over coffee, compare notes, and even pray together. We were searching for answers to the muck and mire in our changing lives. He, a recovered alcoholic, was taking steps to repair his life and to make sense of his relationship with family members. He gave me this book because it helped him. I was surprised, I didn’t think I was angry or needed it, and I really didn’t expect to like it or to find it helpful. It is secular and written by a feminist (which I am not), and I usually go to Christian resources for self-help advice. But, I was wrong. The more I read the more I realized how angry I really was. I had buried my feelings in order to try to keep my husband and save my marriage. The Dance of Anger offered me understanding in areas that had plagued me. I saw myself in the pages that describe people who de-self over and over again to keep peace and harmony within the family relationship model (and in the workplace). People who never stand up for themselves, who let people railroad them. I realized that there is a difference between giving in to another’s demands and having a healthy self-respect that says it is okay to disagree. I made the connection to my own life which helped me in all my relationships, personal and professional.
One of the most helpful concepts for me personally is her explanation concerning relationship triangles. Relationship triangles are the stuff of life, we’re all in them. Realizing how these work fundamentally changed my perception and understanding of healthy family interactions or lack there-of (unhealthy bonds). This has made me cognizant of the imbalance of power-plays that can or will undermine the many threesomes in our lives. Here are some of the relationship triangles I’ve had in my life: parent/parent/child, parent/child/child; administrator/employee/client; teacher/student/parent; administrator/teacher/parent and so forth. We manage our anger in many ways. Characteristic styles of anger management fall in categories of behavior. There are the pursuers, distancers, underfunctioners, or overfunctioners. (pp 191, 192 – 1985 edition) Lerner gives us a gift through the messages in this book. She helps us peal the layer of dysfunction as it relates to anger and misguided perceptions. Some will get more from this book than others, and it’s not just for women. Note: I haven’t read the revised edition of the book, The Dance of Anger
