Why I Needed a Deep Healing
The Past
SPIRITUAL ROOTS INFLUENCE: I was raised in a conservative Christian home. We were brethren and later became baptists. Evangelical in our religious views, our family life revolved around church. For the most part I would say we were happy with our way of life to varying degrees according to the person and personality.
I attended a conservative baptist college. There, each student completed 30 units of bible/christian related coursework and passed a doctrinal exam before graduating. I have always appreciated those requirements. I learned a ton that is not taught in church all that much.
My life as a follower of Christ is marked by a progression of steps. I have always been serious about my faith and have grown in my love for God over the years. My spiritual life started with being saved at age seven and then baptized, dedicating my life to God at age 16, teaching in the church all my adult years, surrendering to God and on my new path at age 46, and fulfilling the calling to help others in recent years.
How My Adult Years Played Out
Brief about the Past
Adult History: A Summation in bits and pieces: In college I pursued a B. S. degree in education. College graduate. Returned to my home town. Started teaching in a private Christian school. Spent a year in Southern California at CSU Fullerton in the credentials program. Came home. Returned to teaching. Got married. Started a family. Became a homemaker. Family eventually increases to five children. At church I was active in children’s ministries, and later as women’s ministry director. I also participated in music. Attended CSU, Chico in graduate studies for Multicultural Certification and for a Reading Specialist credential. Employed as a public school teacher, reading specialist, and leadership venues. Family splits. Divorce. Recovery. Retire. Writing and speaking.
Troubles Abound
Adult Struggles: Life becomes messy. 1985 – abandoned by husband. No information. He returns. We get back together. He receives christian counseling. We move. 1987- abandoned again. He’s gone. No note. Move family. I teach preschool. Husband returns to area. Deal with his unfaithfulness. Huge problem. Living separate, then get back together. Weird things happen. I have a break down. We move. Struggle, struggle, struggle. Instability in work situations. We move again. Family functions fairly well. My sister commits suicide. My husband’s uncle commits suicide. Another ‘hidden’ marital episode. Marriage counseling. We move. Yada, yada, yada.
Then I’m Facing It: I go to graduate school, want to get marketable, worried the marriage is toast. I’m forty. Another marriage episode. Christian counseling. Husband begins graduate school, then leaves marriage to pursue a new relationship and a new life. Children wounded. My teaching position ends. I’m destroyed but keep most of it to myself. God is my stalwart. I can’t do it anymore, but God can. Healing begins. Custody battle. Lose custody of youngest child. 18 months later, custody reverses. I begin speaking out.
Dealing With It
In protective mode: The decades of suffering was borne in silence, mainly to protect my family. I was strong but sad inside. The abandonments and adulteries caused a deep wound in me. I forgave but the inner pain remains. I became self-contained to maintain my fragile presence. God became very dear to me. Losing my sister was absolutely devastating. This was a deeper hurt, almost more than I could bear. I was confused about God, but not angry with Him. The problem was I didn’t know what to do with my inner pain. After the divorce, I knew I was at a crossroad.
I chose a new direction and a better way. (My spiritual transformation will be in the next post.)
One doesn’t always know how to handle the things that rock your world. But handle them you must. I faced it head on because I wanted to be strong, able, and spiritual. I gave it my all. At the time it was helpful and necessary to spend lots of quiet time with the Lord. I came up with my own spiritual exercises. These actually are very similar to Lectio Divina, which I later discovered about ten years down the road.
Spiritual Exercises
1. Enter God’s presence. Thank Him for what He is doing in you and for what He is teaching you. Thank Him for being who He is. Ask Him to show you what He has for you during this time of spiritual contemplation.
2. Ask God to reveal specific lies you have believed. You have believed lies about yourself, about others, and about God. Exposing these lies may take much prayer. Write these lies down. Ask Him to show you how they affect you. Write this down. Acknowledge these lies to Him. Submit yourself to God. Ask Him to show you what is true from what is false. This may be done in increments. God may reveal these lies over several days. Each piece builds on the next piece.
3. Read a passage with Jesus in it (in Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John). What is Jesus doing, saying, teaching? Take note of your thoughts as you ponder its truth. What speaks to you? How does it apply to you? Write this down. Absorb truth deep in your being. Ask God for it. Praise Jesus.
Reread these reflections the next day. Do the spiritual exercises every day of the week. Read a new passage of scripture each day unless you feel God would have you revisit a past contemplation.
An add-on highlights the traditional aspects of historical Christianity. Addendum to Part 3.
RESOURCES
–Part 4 of The Deep Healing can be found here.
–Read my previous posts about ‘The Deep Healing, Part 1’ here, and Part 2 here.
–Listen to my testimony about pain and healing here.
