Conversations with Emily (8)

Some people are scarred by horrific episodes in their pasts. In this post Emily reveals the assault she experienced as a college coed. It came out in this raw but real conversation.

Tears, Assault and its Living Memory

September 29, 20**

9/29, 6:20pm
Me:
Emily, it was wonderful and blessed. Truly a divine appointment. I’m so glad you prayed.

9/29, 6:22pm
Emily:
Could use ur prayers…tears r flowing here

9/29, 6:28pm
Me:
Talk to me.

9/29, 6:31pm
Emily:
It’s been a long day. Didn’t sleep well. Lots of memories of the part abuse. Abruptly woken this AM seeing and feeling my assault from back in college. I haven’t been able to get it outta my head all day

9/29, 6:39pm
Me:
Ok. You’re not in this alone. I will pray for two things. Healing of the memory. A thought or verse that will enter into your thinking. I will pray right now on this end. You pray on that end. If you can’t pray, just tell God you’re not able to.

9/29, 6:42pm
Emily:
I’m numb. I don’t know where these tears r coming from.
I wanna talk but no one is able to hear what I have to say

9/29, 6:57pm
Me:
That doesn’t mean they don’t care. They don’t understand. I don’t know what you need either. But I often pray that God will direct my words to you, that they will have something useful for you.

I can guess at the tears, but God knows specifically. If you look in the mirror, what do you see?

9/29, 6:57pm
Emily:
I just wanna be able to put words to it

9/29, 6:59pm
Me:
That would help. It must be some sort of ache inside. I will ask God to put it into words for you.

9/29, 7:00pm
Emily:
I can see it and feel it and yet can’t describe it to u
I just wanted to die that night

9/29, 7:01pm
Me:
I am praying that God will reveal it to you.
You’re trapped and need to be set free.

9/29, 7:02pm
Emily:
No matter how hard I tried to hold him off I couldn’t
i can’t look in the mirror
can’t stand what i see!

9/29, 7:07pm
Me:
That’s true. His assault stole from you and inflicted injury to you. But it could not remove the person God made you to be. God makes people brand new. In some way, you must allow God to come in and heal that deep wound. I am sure you grieve for what you lost, that Emily who was before. God has to come in and cleanse it for you. It is something you cannot do in your own strength. Allow Him full access, even if it seems impossible to do so. Be vulnerable with God. He will meet you where you’re at. That’s what I’ve experienced.

9/29, 7:09pm
Emily:
the man that night didn’t have anything left to steal from me. i was already empty inside. it had all been stolen already…there was nothing left of me

9/29, 7:10pm
Me:
Then we need to go back further.

9/29, 7:10pm
Emily:
i didn’t know who i was before
don’t recall a time i knew who i was

9/29, 7:12pm
Me:
Hmmm. Then maybe it’s time to find out who you are.

9/29, 7:18pm
Emily:
I’m done trying
just want it all to stop
forget it
forget I’ve said anything
forget me

9/29, 7:24pm
Me:
Emily, If only I could help you see the gift that you are, and the person God wants you to become. To get there He must take you through the valley of the shadow of death. It’s like little ‘Much-afraid’ in Hinds Feet On High Places, we have the two companions, Suffering and Sorrow, we walk with them to go to the High Places, there we find that the companions have become Grace and Glory. The truth is, for you to make it, there will have to come a point where you give up and let God take control. His life will transform your life and heal those broken pieces, piece by piece. The shattered girl will begin to become whole again. Let go and let God. It is critical and essential to spiritual and emotional health. Don’t shy away from the hard stuff, and this is hard because we are fearful people.

9/29, 9:02pm
Emily:
this morning i woke up on my parents couch experiencing one horrific night from almost 20 yrs ago. please tell me this will stop

9/29, 9:46pm
Me:
I wish I had the right things to say. All I know is that God is the Healer. I can’t help you access that healing, wish I could. I’m sorry it happened to you.

__________

September 30, 20**

9/30, 3:11am
Emily:
Sorry for bothering u

9/30, 6:37am
Me:
GM Elizabeth. Prayed for you already. There is always hope.

9/30, 5:29pm
Me:
You are never a bother. I want the best for you. And that you will know peace at the center. I prayed a long while for you today. The Lord impressed me that I should. You are precious to Him.

JUST PLAIN SCARED

We ended the post last week with Emily telling me that she is praying for me over the weekend while I am speaking at a women’s retreat. In this post I greet her with the good news that the retreat went well.

I debated whether to share this section of dialogue because of its content. The story makes more sense if it’s included. Emily was being tormented. I was beginning to realize the depth of the trauma. All I could do was offer her a lifeline and the comfort of an impartial and caring listener.

Emily has given her permission to share this content in the hopes that it will help someone else who feels all alone in their pain.

The conversation continues.

__________

LINKS

>next post: Healing will remove the silent scream:  Conversations with Emily (9)

<previous post:  Scared and in emotional pain:  Conversations with Emily (7)

|<<first post:  A woman at risk:  Conversations with Emily (1)

__________

I welcome your comments. Thank you.

No to Addiction, Go to God (Going Deeper with God, Part 10)

Intentional God-Focused Living

We are an interesting people. The drive to succeed pushes many to achieve. Others take the path of least resistance by pursuing an easier route. Some spend their days watching and wishing, hoping for their moment in the sun. But it just doesn’t work that way despite what the world promotes.  The drive for ‘more’ is always present (just look at the political scene). It is an endless rat race, a cycle without end.

GOING DEEPER WITH GOD, LESSON 10

PREMISE: God made us for relationship

Our lives are pulled in two directions on separate divergent paths, known as the sacred and secular split. One cannot live for God and the love of money, or God and the lust of the world. To do so will have a false outcome. To open the door to spiritual freedom is to cross over a threshold into a life focused on unity with God by becoming God’s person.

Lasting satisfaction is not found and never will be found as a result of our successes. Our achievements, family, accomplishments, and acquisitions will never be enough for lasting contentment, satisfaction and enjoyment. The problem is rather simple, though, the problem is we are pursuing the wrong thing(s); and truth be told, it’s not a thing at all.

What we want deep inside us is to know we matter; and we want someone to care . . . always . . . through the good and the bad . . . and that spells, r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p, a relationship with an ‘ever-after’ clause. And that’s where God comes into the conversation. God is the only ‘thing,’ One, who can fill that giant hole inside of us. We were made for God. Lasting satisfaction can only be found in Him.

OPENING QUESTION: What are some biblical clues that God is interested in close fellowship with His children?

The longer one lives the more the book of Ecclesiastes seems to make sense. The preacher speaks of the meaningless vanity of life with its empty reward. King Solomon states that for all their toil on earth, death comes to both the wicked and the just alike. It is as if Solomon captures that empty emotion we try to ignore but which often comes upon us in our quieter moments.

It is the same for all, since the same event happens to the righteous and the wicked, to the good and the evil, to the clean and the unclean, to him who sacrifices and him who does not sacrifice. As the good one is, so is the sinner, and he who swears is as he who shuns an oath. Ecclesiastes 9:2 (ESV)

When we mix the emptiness along with some of the pain of life—then voila! Life just doesn’t seem quite worth the effort. Honestly, many replacements abound. The lack can be remedied with false substitutes, things used to re-mediate its pain. Of course, some of these substitutes are habit forming behaviors that soon create cycles of misery and bondage. Most, if not all, of us have some form of addictive behavior to get us through the bad times or the daily grind of life. Starbucks, anyone?

Some of these pursuits may seem innocent while others are more destructive. I dare say, even our religious activities become a source of self gratification if the positive strokes received while well-doing become part of the motivation for participating in religious activities. It is a silent and unrecognized motivator, but a deception nevertheless. I’m guilty of this wrong-thinking almost by default. I must guard myself from acting out of self rather than acting out of Christ-love.

When we think about it, we can see why it is quite easy to lose one’s focus in the seeking of God. Human needs and empty feelings can hijack good intentions in our pursuit of finding God. Unfortunately, some of these substitutes, addictions and compulsive behaviors mask that which entraps and hinders full expression of what God has to offer us. If we are struggling in our Christian walk, we need to find out why. What is it that keeps us from moving forward or grasping the greater things of God? How can we pursue God with a pure heart?

Christians who begin to listen for God’s quiet voice will find their lives changing to the better spiritual good.

I believe we can have a pure heart. We should move forward, and we should desire to grasp the gifts God has waiting in the wings for us. There are several parts to this but getting quiet with God and listening for His still, small voice is critical to its start. A spiritual awakening starts in the depths of our beings. It is like a tiny seed which begins to sprout when the conditions are right. It is our job to make the conditions fertile and life-receiving.

Besides honesty and openness, we must let the Sonshine in through the Word, prayer, meditation and contemplation on God’s truths, ways, gifts, and Being. We must fully absorb what He gives to us and then let it travel throughout our whole being, in our thoughts, our passions, our pleasures, our desires, and our wants. It takes an effort and a willingness on our part. It also takes God’s supernatural help, guidance, and Presence (Being).

Seeking God in vital relationship is a whole new way of looking at Christianity; Christ-following is supernaturally-enabled-living fueled by Divine essence, grace and love.

Up to this point, I have stressed that the reason for seeking God is that God desires to have a close relationship with us, His children. According to scriptural accounts and through my own personal experiences, I believe God takes pleasure in the sharing of fellowship with His created children. This relationship is a beautiful cycle of love and joy, peace and happiness.

I have encouraged you to start the process of experiencing God through intimacy by opening your hearts and minds to the Triune God; and by giving God access to your inner self as He begins to search and know you. In these lessons, it has been stressed that to do this requires two critical and essential attitudes on your part: First, the need for us to be open with God.  Second, the need for us to be honest with God. Any pretending on our part will limit the flow between God and us.

Many personal barriers corrupt this relationship. These make it difficult to find meaningful relationship with God. As stated in the previous lesson, sin, wrong choices, and areas of entrenched bondage are revealed and become obvious under the lens of God’s microscope as it mirrors truth and shows us our heart and soul. God is able to intentionally reveal our false layers. He exposes some of our lie-based beliefs, which have driven our behaviors and tricked us into maintaining false identities.

In this, there is a common misconception among God followers. These same ‘spiritually’ driven people can suffer under an illusion that their self-worth and spiritual worth is bound to their spiritual performance. The need to achieve in the church, to show off our spiritual worthiness, is rife in some circles. But it has a detrimental effect on true, authentic Christian living. Unfortunately, some of this stems from family patterns where successes in the Church become the measuring stick of a Christian’s view of self-worth and value. This is an area of blindness until God shows us that it is false. It is such a relief once we can see this area in a right way.

On the flip side, those who are less motivated by performance may be caught in a cycle of belief which suggests that their lack of achievement is synonymous with failure. This is a man-made measurement as well. Real worth and value comes from God and the outworking of His God-Life in and through us. Struggles and life experiences may at times inhibit us from seeing the grandeur of what is on the other side, which is the glory of God with His peace that passes all human understanding. There is so much more to be had than duty and doing the right things in a spiritual sense.

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Christ came to set us free. He came to give us a victorious life even though we may be confused as to how to access His life in this difficult world in which we live. Christ-followers who have found this richness begin to take on a new persona. They begin to soften. The softening comes from Christ’s life participating in their life and the Holy Spirit’s indwelling. It is a beautiful newness that blesses all in their path (even the creatures and forms of nature). Those hardened by the world may see this as a weakness, but in truth it is a great strength.

It can be a fluid relationship, one that flows with full access and without barriers. The continual life source is The divine Life Source. The key is to get out of the way and let God go to work. He is a loving teacher and a kind Father. Ask Him to show you the way, and then let Him take you by the hand into your next level of consciousness with God. Life becomes especially precious at this point.

Here are a couple of prayers that I have found to be helpful in my spiritual journey.

A prayer of the heart to keep your spiritual life on track.

Dear Father God, 

  • Bind my will to the will of God (the Father)
  • Bind my mind to the mind of Christ (the Son)
  • Bind my emotions to the Holy Spirit (the Spirit) 
  • Loose that which is not of God (from my life)

This prayer is based on the Keys to the Kingdom passage in Matthew 16:19. What we bind on earth will be bound in heaven. What we loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. In Scripture we are told to have the mind of Christ, to follow (and live) God’s will for our lives, and to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading. This prayer incorporates all three.

A prayer to contemplate in the quietness.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

The Jesus Prayer may be reduced to one word, ‘Jesus.’ Meditate on this one word, repeat it slowly, repeat the phrase slowly. Think on Jesus. This prayer will relax and rejuvenate. It has a healing power because it is based in the Healer. (Luke 18:13)

Review post: The Jesus Prayer and Why You Should Pray It

In my next lesson we will develop this more fully by looking at the “Come unto Me” passage found in Matthew 11:28-30.