“I see a pattern looking back years…share and fall apart a little more, then a new normal comes and I share a little more and fall a part again until a new normal and repeat and repeat.” Her words shouted out at me. I’d been in a similar spot in my own life. There are times you can hardly pull yourself up by your bootstraps. In fact, you may well can’t. That’s where God comes in.
JUST PLAIN SCARED
The conversation continues.
_______
October 14, 20**
10/14, 4:03pm
Me: Hi Emily, Just checking in. My day has been okay. Worked in the yard. Needed it badly. Decided to not write today. I did submit my review for Jennifer. I wrote it a week ago and was waiting until this week. I have been praying that you will be delivered of your painful memories. Going to a volleyball game in a few minutes. My daughter’s friends.
10/14, 4:32pm
Emily: I’ve dashed out the door after a 10 hr work day and 2 hrs homework with son to head out to a qrtly sent for MK. Thanks for checking in. Been a crazy day!
I’ll breath again tomorrow I think
10/14, 7:04pm
Me: Amazing!
10/14, 7:04pm
Emily: Heading home…
10/14, 8:05pm
Emily: Lab work has all come back for me and I’m back in business. Previous deficiencies have been corrected and I’m back within avg ranges. I shouldn’t stroke out at any moment any longer
10/14, 8:08pm
Me: That’s good it’s normal now.
10/14, 8:08pm
Emily: Ya…whatever normal is
10/14, 8:10pm
Me: Really, ain’t that the truth!
__________
October 18, 20**
10/18, 7:09pm
Me: Oops. Did I let the cat out of the bag? The thot just came to me that I should have kept quiet. Read what I said after your post. I don’t know if I can remove it.
10/18, 7:11pm
Emily: what cat? what bag?
I’ve been reading and re-reading ur response trying to figure out what u mean. not sure how my story makes or breaks this book…it can stand well on its own
10/18, 7:21pm
Emily: I’m also a lil confused by ‘we’…
10/18, 7:23pm
Me: Many parts make one whole. Each element has something for someone who has a different experience. I don’t think it is an accident that your story is there. God’s providential will.
10/18, 7:28pm
Me: I was trying to make a point about voices and being spiritually prepared before speaking out. I feel a little nervous (for them). I don’t want women feeling “less than” because they don’t have something to say. It’s what concerns me. I used to feel that way, and it was true.
10/18, 7:30pm
Emily: i agree this is all God’s will…reading it myself I’m even wondering how I was able to write/share so vividly and vulnerably, but i know in the moment of it all i was being obedient.
10/18, 7:31pm
Me: Yes. Good.
10/18, 7:33pm
Emily: i wasn’t forced to write this and i know its all part of my healing process
10/18, 7:33pm
Me: True. He is the potter we are the clay
10/18, 7:34pm
Emily: each time i share a little more vulnerably i seem to struggle
10/18, 7:35pm
Me: I’ve experienced it too.
10/18, 7:35pm
Emily: i see a pattern looking back years…share and fall apart a lil more, then a new normal comes and i share a lil more and fall a part again until a new normal and repeat and repeat
writing this has been a HUGE GINORMOUS step outside my comfort zone. previously when i’ve stepped outside my comfort zone in these tough areas i’ve had a support system believing in me while i couldn’t
that’s not the case this time
10/18, 7:37pm
Me: Does it depend on who you’re sharing it with?
10/18, 7:37pm
Emily: I’m churchless and alone
no…i only share when i feel prodded to by the Holy Spirit
10/18, 7:40pm
Me: That is a big deficit. I agree. I need my church family so much. They support me in prayer. I feel my spiritual successes are their successes. You have me for the a little support. I pray for you almost every day.
10/18, 7:42pm
Emily: i started just sharing individually one on one when the person who was sharing with me in a way that i felt led as an encouragement and eventually led to sharing testimony in front of audiences…which has now led to writing this
its been years in the making
i don’t mean to minimize ur prayers…they r def a big part of what’s keeping me going day in and day out…but is it bad of me to want someone to hold hands and pray together with? or give me hug on a tough day?
without your prayers and so many others i’m fairly certain i wouldn’t still be here for u to talk to though
10/18, 7:49pm
Me: I’ve grown quite fond of you, like a grown daughter. I think we are quite different in personality and I often don’t know what to say. But it’s not because I don’t want to help. Three mornings in a row I was awakened early by the Lord to pray for you. There is a big spiritual battle going on. You can’t fight it alone.
10/18, 7:50pm
Emily: i totally agree and yet i feel so all alone
pray right now…something isn’t right. my parents left 3 hrs ago to drive home 2 hrs and i haven’t heard from them…I’ve texted and called both home and cell numbers and can’t reach them
10/18, 7:51pm
Me: Ok. Let me know when you hear.
10/18, 7:53pm
Emily: all this after my son comes in to say his hearing isn’t right…he’s got significant hearing loss already. a little over a year ago he dropped a bunch again and we were just in last month where he was diagnosed as staying stable, but he’s noticed a change again tonight. i will call pediatrician in the morning to take him into urgent care to make sure there isn’t any ear wax clogging anything up and then schedule with his audiologist for another hearing test.
10/18, 7:54pm
Emily: he’s in tears about the possibility of going deaf
and i don’t know how to console that kind of loss on top of his NEVER having any sight
so we sit…we pray…we cry…then i try to distract him and we laugh and i try to reassure him by remaining calm myself and explaining there’s nothing to get concerned about until we can see the professionals and know what we are really dealing with
10/18, 7:59pm
Me: My heart goes out to him. What a big worry. It seems too terrible. You are brave with him.
10/18, 8:01pm
Emily: they got home safe…stopped to shop on way home without mentioning any of this to us…crazy kids!
10/18, 8:03pm
Me: Good. That’s a relief. I’m signing off for now. Have to listen to a video. I’m taking a class to come up to speed on marketing. Give your son an extra hug for me when you get a chance. GN
10/18, 8:04pm
Emily: nite
__________
October 19, 20**
10/19, 6:11pm
Me: So, Emily, do you want or be stretched some more? Just kidding…sort of… I have a blog I’ve written about God waking me up to pray (for you). I don’t say anything that would indicate who you are or how come I know you except that we are in an internet group together, but I do quote the part of the conversation where you say “I’m scared.” Then I share my response and talk some about my desire to support you. I don’t say anything that’s weird or unpleasant or about you or your son but I only want to post it if you’re ok with it. If not. No problem. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I think it is interesting how God is working.
10/19, 6:15pm
Emily: I’ll read it
Maybe not tonight…
I’ve had a headache the last couple hours.
10/19, 6:27pm
Me: It’s sitting in a draft. I’d have to email it or post it up. We can deal with it later. I hope you feel better soon. I’m sort of not feeling well either.
10/19, 6:28pm
Emily: U can email . . .
10/19, 7:57pm
Emily: u there?
10/19, 11:56pm
Emily: Up praying for that miracle for my son!!!
__________
October 20, 20**
10/20, 9:08am
Me: I think I have the flu. I’ll send you the email this afternoon. Want to rest now. I will join you in praying for a miracle. Wouldn’t that be cool!
10/20, 10:21am
Emily: Feel better
10/20, 5:46pm
Me: I sent it. Am feeling better
10/20, 7:51pm
Emily: Glad ur feeling better. I just go home and will take a look now
10/20, 7:52pm
Me: If you don’t like it, feel free to say you’d rather I’d not post it
10/20, 8:15pm
Emily: Read it…like it…feel free to post it. Ty for running it past me though
And glad ur feeling better
I’m praying for some sleep tonight as we were up for a while last night with sons ears
10/20, 9:43pm
Me: Thanks. I’m praying that when God heals Isaac’s ears, that a warmth will cascade like a healing stream. One of my sons has a hearing disability, CAPD, an auditory processing disorder. But it is minor compared to what your son is experiencing. Glad you two have the Lord. ….Sleep like a baby.
[Link to post here.]
10/20, 9:45pm
Emily: Can’t sleep.
10/20, 10:01pm
Me: Bummer. Read something boring.
__________
October 21, 20**
10/21, 3:52am
Emily: Urs prayer must’ve worked.
10/21, 8:20am
Me: God is good.
10/21, 8:26am
Emily: All the time
10/21, 8:45am
Emily: can i ask u a question bout ur blog post?
10/21, 8:51am
Me: Am I in trouble? Ask away
10/21, 8:52am
Emily: No…not at all…just curious bout ur perspective of things
10/21, 8:52am
Me: Ok
10/21, 8:54am
Emily: what would u like to know? seems from the beginning of ur post that u think i’ve not shared much
i chuckle to myself though cuz from where i’m sitting i feel like i’ve been so vulnerable…it was just this eye opening perspective on things for me
a good eye opening perspective…don’t get me wrong…just def different than my own point of view
i truly am an open book for anyone who wishes to know anything
10/21, 9:03am
Me: Sort of true. But, you don’t have to tell me. At first you seemed a mess. Angry and bitter, but also discouraged and frustrated. And why should you tell me anything, you don’t know me? And trust is earned. I saw some seeds of self-pity (or self-focus) that I wouldn’t respond to because it wouldn’t help u face your stuff. I want you to be healthy. I haven’t reread your story. I need to. Because at the time I was just looking for highlights for Jennifer like key phrases, not so much thinking of the stories. I never asked you for details. Didn’t want them. Felt you would share them if you wanted me to know more. I just want God to heal you of your memories. I see this as a big need in you because you aren’t whole until that happens. Now I’m the one being frank!
10/21, 9:09am
Emily: i don’t mind frank…actually kinda prefer it
10/21, 9:13am
Me: Ok
10/21, 9:14am
Emily: may i ask bout ur sis?
10/21, 9:14am
Me: Sure
10/21, 9:14am
Emily: what happened?
10/21, 9:17am
Me: Suicide. She was depressed. Isolated herself. Was successful and amazing. Very caring. Stopped believing in God, started hanging out with ppl who are ungodly. Think God was always calling her name. But, she couldn’t seem to return. I think she had been used by her male relationships and it hurt deeply.
10/21, 9:18am
Emily: im sorry
10/21, 9:18am
Me: I loved her so much.
10/21, 9:19am
Emily: i believe it
10/21, 9:20am
Me: My family has been a stoic German type. Feelings were not expressed. I do think it factored in. I made a choice to not be that way after we lost Lois.
They mean well. It’s a philosophy, that you don’t air your dirty laundry. But it makes ppl false at times.
10/21, 9:23am
Emily: i get it…similar to being raised in a pastor’s family where u had to act as if, even if not
life’s FULL of masks
10/21, 9:23am
Me: Yes. Exactly.
10/21, 9:24am
Emily: still hard for me to live real and authentic in my own family even if its how I’m living my life today
10/21, 9:28am
Me: I think churches should be more like AA meetings. Families too. Genuine acceptance, warts and all. I get what you ‘re saying. Believe it or not, I still get anxious for parental approval. Try not to. It causes me to distance myself. I don’t like rigid beliefs. They’re at the age I need to get over it!
10/21, 9:31am
Me: Gonna stop now. Time for prayer. Then make up for taking time off being sick, got behind. Blessings dear, Emily. Praying for two healings, yours and Isaac’s.
10/21, 9:34am
Emily: k…thx
10/21, 9:43am
Me: I thank God for you. HAGD
10/21, 9:44am
Emily: HAGD?
and seriously don’t know why…seems I’m kinda a pain
10/21, 9:48am
Me: Have a good day.
10/21, 9:48am
Emily: gotchya
10/21, 7:29pm
Emily: I’ve had a really long day and all I wanna do is cry myself to sleep
10/21, 8:28pm
Me: Bad huh?or just tired?
10/21, 8:32pm
Emily: Yes and yes
10/21, 8:34pm
Me: Icky. Need a relaxing bath. Or light a candle. I love candles. Yankee candles are my favorite.
10/21, 8:35pm
Emily: sounds nice…if only i had the time
10/21, 8:35pm
Me: Yes. You work hard.
10/21, 8:39pm
Emily: missed a mtg tonight cuz sons homework
10/21, 8:40pm
Me: Yes. Do what ya have to do.
10/21, 8:40pm
Emily: the frustrating part is that its stuff son could have done this weekend, but didn’t mention it until he’s on his way out the door this AM to catch the bus
10/21, 8:45pm
Me: Well. I hear ya. Been down that road and back
10/21, 8:46pm
Emily: i know id feel better if i just cried…but the tears won’t come
10/21, 8:46pm
Me: Well. Slice an onion
10/21, 8:47pm
Emily: don’t have any…but that reminds me…i haven’t had a meal all day
gonna go find something to eat and see if i can get some sleep
10/21, 8:48pm
Me: Ok. Take care
__________
I could identify with Emily’s statement. Yes, it is that way sometimes. We think we’re getting it together and moving on past the hurt when, wham! we go down for the count and will ourselves to get up again. There has to be a better way, we think to ourselves. Yes, there is. We must focus our gaze on Christ, on Him more than anything else.
People will help us. Books will guide us. But Christ is the answer. He will use those other resources in blend with His divine enabling and instruction. But this is a process, and it takes a continual seeking and relying on Christ. Tired? Scared? Say Jesus’ name for a few minutes. Jesus. Jesus. Then slowly, J-e-s-u-s. Think on His glorious love. Let Him enter in. Welcome Him in. Embrace His warmth and forgiveness. His peace will come. It comes slowly and delightfully.
__________
LINKS
<previous post: She was just plain scared: Conversations with Emily (11)
|<<first post: A woman at risk: Conversations with Emily (1)
__________
I welcome your comments on this post. Thank you.
