She said to me, “I only stopped trying to run from my past a few short years ago. I can say this has been a part of most if not all of that journey and before that I was too numb to care or tell. It almost feels like I went from feeling none of it to feeling it all at once. I’ve tried to sort through in hopes of being able to put stuff behind me but struggle in trying to separate things. It tends to just be one big jumbled pile of mess.”
JUST PLAIN SCARED: CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY
The conversation continues.
Warning: Some sensitive content.
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October 22, 20**
10/22, 9:52am
Me: Hi friend. Look on the bright side. See something of beauty today, then tell me what you saw. I’ll be waiting. Homework assignment. I’ll do the same.
10/22, 6:11pm
Emily: bright side came near the end of my day…spent all afternoon at hospital with son to fig out what’s going on with his hearing…miracle i prayed for…it’s stayed stable! NO LOSS! PTL!!!
10/22, 6:19pm
Me: Ptl ditto!
10/22, 7:04pm
Emily: u gonna share ur bright side?
10/22, 7:10pm
Me: Ok. It was nt a very bright day at all. My daughter and I kept disagreeing abut things. It’s over a Halloween costume and also she likes to jog on the creek bank and I got worried. So went to check up on her, she was fine, but didn’t like me worrying. Oh well. The bright side? I asked someone in my marketing group if she would like to do a review for my book and I’d send a free one to her, she said she’d already ordered it! She lives in Michigan. She was so sweet. I think she is a Christian by things she posts. Anyway, that was my bright spot. Thanks for asking and thanks for telling me yours! It was nice getting your encouraging message.
10/22, 7:12pm
Emily: what encouraging message?
10/22, 7:12pm
Me: Your son’s hearing report.
10/22, 7:14pm
Emily: oh..lol…I’m so tired…just thought of my message as more factual statement, not encouraging message
10/22, 7:16pm
Me: Hey. I’m sort of not together myself tonight. I’ve been unpacking boxes of stuff and the house is a mess. Starting to look BAD! But has to get worse before it can get better.
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October 23, 20**
10/23, 8:58pm
Emily: Hey…would u pray I get some rest tonight please?
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October 25, 20**
10/25, 12:01pm
Emily: Will there ever b a day I don’t have to relive the abuse?
10/25, 1:32pm
Me: I think so. I believe God will heal you.
10/25, 2:26pm
Me: God has not given us a spirit of fear but of a sound mind. That is a scripture you can claim in an oral prayer time with God. Best to speak it out loud. I was just talking with my spiritual mentor for 3 hrs this morning we were talking of this very thing. God has healed her and he has healed me. Mine was more like carrying a silent sorrow, a burden. Hers was caused by sexual abuse in her teenage years (I don’t know the details) and an alcoholic husband (who she has stayed with! Who doesn’t know the Lord). Two nights ago I reread your story in the book. There are a lot of parts to it. It is not possible for me to tell you how God will free you, but I absolutely believe He can. Do a search for a theophostic prayer counselor in your area. I think that person might be able to help you in a different way than an ordinary counselor. But you must be ready to let God do this for you. I will pray from this end. Just let me know should you end up going to someone. I believe you are being bombarded by spiritual attacks. The more prayer support you have, the better.
10/25, 2:31pm
Emily: u r 1 of 2 to quote 2 tim 1;7 in a matter of a min
10/25, 2:35pm
Me: Wow.
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October 26, 20**
10/26, 6:02am
Emily: I fell asleep exhausted with trying to get the hands from past off me. It’s like I’m back in ALL of the places again and it’s happening all at once. I can’t separate them. And to wake up to it all again this AM. Not sure how I’m gonna get thru the day.
10/26, 7:33am
Me: Has this always been a problem or just in the past few months?
10/26, 7:37am
Emily: I only stopped trying to run from my past a few short years ago. I can say this has been a part of most if not all of that journey and before that I was too numb to care or tell
It almost feels like I went from feeling none of it to feeling it all at once. I’ve tried to sort thru in hopes of being able to put stuff behind me but struggle in trying to separate things. It tends to just be one big jumbled pile of mess
10/26, 8:03am
Me: So, if I’m getting this straight, you stuffed it, and now you are trying to deal with it so it no longer is hidden or hurting you. I was curious if having your story in the book has made it worse for you. I also wonder if you are experiencing other nervous traits, like nausea or panic attacks.
10/26, 8:05am
Emily: Yes things r a bit more intense having my story in the book and yes there is nausea and panic and anxiety and paralyzing fear etc
10/26, 8:16am
Me: Ok. A Good book on that is Hope and Help for your Nerves. I used to have terrible insomnia and panic attacks, like agoraphobia. A friend gave me the book. It explains how to dismantle the fear by learning how to think thru the fear without it giving the adrenaline rush. Basically, how to walk thru the fear of the fear. My son struggled with high anxiety, hijacked his social life, and this book helped him learn how to function during those moments. It gives hope. I will look up the author’s name. I’ve purchased it for others on Amazon.
10/26, 8:25am
Me: Dr. Claire Weekes, Hope an Help for Your Nerves, $7 on Amazon. Well worth it. Another good book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Both of these are secular authors but they have helpful info. With the nerves, we get over-sensitized and the body begins to react to noise and stimuli. We get afraid of our own physical sensations b/c we can’t trust our own physical body anymore. Like the more we want to sleep, the less we are able to sleep etc., it becomes a mental trap.
10/26, 8:28am
Emily: Like the more I want to stop feeling all the abuse happening to me at once, the more intense it seems to get?
10/26, 8:29am
Me: Exactly.
10/26, 8:41am
Me: The body gets this panic mode, fear induced, a flight mechanism. In time it becomes a well- worn path in our mind that happens over and over becoming a default path. How to overcome it is by addressing it without fear, “Ok. It’s here again. I will get thru this and be okay. It will not ruin my day. I realize it’s just a symptom etc.,” self talk that helps during the times of suffering by recognizing it, addressing it and calling it out in a sense.
10/26, 8:42am
Me: “I will relax and breathe deeply” is part of this.
10/26, 8:44am
Emily: Pretty much how I get through most days. Add in exhaustion and all this common sense goes out the door
10/26, 9:04am
Me: You know, Emily, I think God is in control of our contact. As amazing as that is. This morning I got to thinking about the physical caused by the emotional instead of just the spiritual. I think that was from God b/c I’d not been thinking of that part of the puzzle in your personal struggle. A person can’t just remove those thoughts. So, maybe it’s a mix of God healing you and also implementing positive strategies. I know you’re running on exhaustion
10/26, 9:13am
Emily: And I’ve tried all the positive strategies u could think of
10/26, 9:34am
Me: I have to go work in the farm for most of the day. No internet access. So this will be it for now. Bless you, N
10/26, 9:35am
Emily: K…enjoy the outdoors for me
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We run because we feel we must to escape the consequences and turmoil of our past experiences. But we may run our whole life and that’s no way to face troubling circumstances. I felt for Emily. She had buried all that rotten stuff but now she needed to be healed and live a better life, for herself, for her son, and for her extended family, and most of all, for God.
I believed she was on the way toward the goal, to walk free. It is not an easy journey, though. I knew the path would grow darker before it would get lighter. I would try to hold her hand in a virtual support way, to guide her in the parts I knew, and let God, her other friends, and His word, and whatever else He would use, to help her along. She was out of the shoot. Time to ride that bronco. It would take all of that, no mistake.
Don’t you love an honest friendship? Emily was a kick because of her blunt way of talk, and I loved it. She probably saw me as all prim and proper, but I’m a farm girl, right?
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LINKS
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I welcome your comments.
