Category Archives: CONVERSATIONS with EMILY Series (Life in Crisis)

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Struggle, Empathy, Sex, Overcoming: Conversations with Emily (19)

Dealing with the truth is not easy but in some cases dealing with the past is even harder. We are the choices we make. However, sometimes this is not true when the choices are made for us, especially when we are powerless.

JUST PLAIN SCARED:  CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY

The conversation continues.

Warning: Sensitive material included.

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January 12, 20**

1/12/20**

Emily: Thurs night my dad told me bout a fella he had dinner with at the pastors conf he’s at in St.Louis

 

Me:  And…

 

Emily:  brought a lot of stuff up for me cuz i went to school in st. paul with this guy,

his story to my dad is that we didn’t run with a real good crowd

 

Me:  Oh. Cat outta the bag

 

Emily:  truth is…he and I hooked up before hooking up was popular

 

Me:  Oh. Not just a friend. More to it

 

Emily:  ya…he knew me when i ran with the gangs

and was selling myself

 

Me:  Why did you take that risk? Were you desperate for acceptance?

 

Emily:  long story

 

Me:  Ok. Let’s have it

 

Emily:  if thur night wasn’t enough of a walk down memory lane…

Fri topped it.

showed up at my nephew’s basketball game to find my son’s father there

we’ve not seen (each other) in 8-10 yrs

 

Me:  Oh, wow!

 

Emily:  he was there watching his son on the other team…

found out my son has a bro & sis

 

Me:  You talked?

 

Emily:  i approached him by concessions after the first game

or maybe some would say confronted him

 

Me:  How’d it impact you?

 

Emily:  it rattled me!

deep to the core

 

Me:  Of course

Did you ever love him?

 

Emily:  no…it was purely a physical relationship

 

Me:  How did he react?

 

Emily:  we had a nice public conversation where he continued to lie to my face

and thinking i don’t see right through em

 

Me:  Was your son at the game?

 

Emily:  no…that would’ve added a whole new twist to all of this

Me:  Whew!

 

Emily:  i met the kids, not sure what questions they asked on their drive home.

told ” isaac” all about it when i got home though

 

Me:  Heavy stuff for him to process.

I’ve always wondered if my ex has any kids out there I don’t know about.

 

Emily:  son has taken it in stride…prob doing better than me really

 

Me:  Crazy was a good description.

 

Emily:  tell me bout it

 

Me:  Did you live with Isaac’s father?

 

Emily:  never

 

Me:  So, not much history with him.

 

Emily:  just a physical relationship…kinda goes back to st. paul really

your question bout why…

i numbed myself of all the sex with just more sex

don’t know if that makes sense or is too much info for ya

sorry

 

Me:  No. Not at all.

But why did you join a gang?

 

Emily:  first place i ever belonged

 

Me:  That’s what I wanted to know.

 

Emily:  left for freshman year of college believing i already

was 2 of that 1 in 3 women (that) experience sexual abuse before they are 18

and thought that made me invincible from becoming 3

 

Me:  Ok

 

Emily:  i’d already experienced sexual abuse in two separate situations…

first in elementary school for 3 yrs and again in 7th grade

 

Me:  Terrible.

 

Emily:  but the brutal attack my freshman yr in college pushed me over the edge and i ran to the gangs

they took care of me in a way

but at a hefty price of working the streets for them

that was after the brutal initiation though

 

Me:  There’s so much to this story

 

Emily:  ya…sorry

 

Me:  No sorry, please. You don’t shock me.

I have former students in gangs. It grieves me.

 

Emily:  it’s funny how back then its what i did to survive

and looking back how messed up that looks

 

Me:  I see a kid that’s hurt and neglected and later they become ripe for gangs

 

Emily:  ya

 

Me:  Pastor’s daughter, didn’t you say?

Everyone really is looking to be loved in some way. At least I think so.

Everyone is looking to be loved in some way.
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Emily:  ya

 

Me:  I only slept with my husband. The only man ever and only in marriage. I find it more difficult in some ways to remain celibate now after 11 yrs alone b/c I feel more attractive as a confident woman than I used to be. Men notice me but I ignore them.

My life belongs to God and I must have a man who is in it with me or do without.

 

Emily:  i’ve never known the intimacy of marriage.

sex has only been either in abuse or what i used to numb the abuse

Me:  I get that. It might be hard to adjust to a marriage relationship.

 

Emily:  yet God gave me a yearning for a marriage last year

 

Me:  I yearn for a man who understands my bent.

The right man could make all the difference. However, it is scary. I look at “Betty,” her post this morning completely surprised me, maybe her, too (her husband left her). You could have knocked me over with a feather b/c they seemed to be so close, in-love. How can we know a man will ‘stick’ and not run? I don’t know. I think that’s great, though. A desire for marriage caused by God is meaningful.

 

Emily:  ya that was a shocker…but didn’t surprise me really

 

Me:  I sent her a private message.

 

Emily:  ya

did she respond

 

Me:  Yes. She said it’s not fun.

 

Emily:  i don’t imagine so

 

Me:  I think it’s bound to be harder when it’s been sweet, and you think you’ve got the real deal. The crash is more in the area of disbelief that this person really was not what you thought they were. It happened once to me a few years back with someone I dated, and I still find it hard to believe that someone who loved so completely could shut out that love. Yet, I guess it was better that it happened before marriage. I am too gullible! Yet, I am suspicious too…that comes with being hurt.

Sorry. Talking too much.

 

Emily:  ur not talking too much

 

Me:  K

The bad thing is, I still miss him. He felt like a soul mate. The only time I’ve ever experienced that sort of connection.

 

Emily:  u mentioned its hard to be celibate…can i ask how u do it

 

Me:  Ok. Just a moment. I’m fixing myself a bite to eat.

 

Emily:  i think my parents just arrived for the evening.

we can chat another time

 

Me:  Ok. Enjoy them

I may answer the question but I won’t expect a reply.

I guess the most truthful answer is that I know what limit I have set, and I won’t deviate from it. I’ve made a promise to God that my life is his to do as he wishes. If I go back on my promise, or bring shame by my actions, then I will shoot myself in the foot by becoming a hypocrite and end my usefulness. I guess it’s mind over matter. I am a woman who likes amour so it is something I deny myself. I’m not perfect by any means, but I have certain lines I will not cross no matter how much the woman part of me might wish it. I know how to separate thought from feeling most of the time. I do admit to feeling starved for affection at times. I love being close to a man that I care for. Some women are not this way. One thing that holds me back is that I hate breaking up or having someone fall in love with me when I don’t see them as marriage potential. I quit dating except for a casual date once in awhile with a friend of mine who I keep contact with.

Any more questions…bring ’em on!

Talk with you later.

 

01/12/20** 8:13pm

Emily:  everyone is in bed now here

how can mind win over matter when it comes to biology?

 

Me:  One decides in advance.

And you only go out with someone who respects it.

 

Emily:  ya…that’s NEVER worked no matter how many times i’ve decided.

biology has always taken over

 

Emily:  its actually how my son came about…

ya…maybe that’s where i’ve always gone wrong…

always talked about my wishes,

but guess they never respected my wishes

 

Me:  They have to have a respect for God.

 

Emily:  well they’ve said so with their words…

 

Me:  Yes. Some men are duplicitous…in fact, many men.

 

Emily:  and can’t say I’ve even been out with a guy in 15 yrs anyway

 

Me:  Well, if you start going out, be careful. It seems like sex has become a problem in the Christian values area.

It is easy to compromise. It’s easier not to date than to deal with temptation/biology. My opinion.

 

Emily:  ya…prob part of why I’ve not been out in so long,

but temptation is still there just as much by myself

sorry…

Me:  It’s ok

 

Emily:  no its not

 

Me:  It’s ok to be honest with me.

What kind of man do you want? Personality wise.

 

Emily:  strong, warm, funny

 

Me:  Sounds nice.

 

Emily:  I’m big pic kinda person, would like a more detail person, but not so anal bout the details it drives me crazy,

just enough to balance me out

 

Me:  I see

Negative ppl drive me crazy. I don’t want someone who looks on the bad side of things.

 

Emily:  i’m falling asleep here…gonna have to say goodnight

 

Me:  Ok. Take care and good night.

 

Emily:  who knows what kind of sleep i’ll get…can hear my parents snoring in the basement! UG!

 

Me:  Listen to music … GN

 

Emily:  i have the tv on…will fall asleep to that

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January 19, 20**

01/19/2014 4:20pm

Emily:  what ya up to?

 

Me:  I thought heading to church for a singspiration in ten min. You?

 

Emily:  looking for a friend to talk to…enjoy church

sing some for me

 

Me:  Oh. Rats. Wish I could talk.

 

Emily:  no worries…go get ur praise on

 

Me:  Yes. I can do that. Need to do that !

Later alligator…

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Emily has some past experiences none of us would welcome. As a child, then youth, then college coed, she was taken advantage of, misunderstood, sexually abused, unhappy, and used. All of this ‘stuff’ caused a numbing in her, and it was hidden from her Christian family. By the way, her father is a pastor.

Truly, it is difficult to overcome or even face such things. Her words, “I’d already experienced sexual abuse in two separate situations; first in elementary school for 3 yrs and again in 7th grade. Sex has only been either in abuse or what I used to numb the abuse.”

As a Christian, freedom does not come until there is a healing and a letting go. Understanding of this is what I contribute throughout our private online communications. It is a slow process of building trust, empathizing, making suggestions and sharing what I know to be true. I try to be there for Emily, to coax out the struggle and then help her deal with her past. I am a friend first, lay counselor second.

Most of all, I care. I am an anonymous, safe person for Emily as she sorts out her past and finds hope for her tomorrow. In today’s conversation, we find a shocker that comes Emily’s way and that will lead us to talk about purity and a godly perspective of sex. Then she asks me a sensitive question.

Walking thru the pain of the past is easier with a caring friend.
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A kid that's hurt and neglected later becomes ripe for gangs.
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Leave a comment.

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>next post:  Jesus with skin on:  Conversations with Emily

<previous post:  Friendship, the Daniel Fast, and a good neighbor:  Conversations with Emily (18)

|<<first post:  A woman at risk:  Conversations with Emily (1)

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I welcome your comments.

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Daniel Fast, Friendship and Being Neighborly: Conversations with Emily (18)

By this stage in our private communications, Emily and I are enjoying our growing friendship. It has become something we both appreciate in different ways. For Emily, the new year is starting with her participating in a Daniel Fast, which is a way to cleanse the body of impurities.

JUST PLAIN SCARED:  CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY

The conversation continues.

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January 1, 20**

 

1/1, 4:28pm

Me:  Getting ready for 4 hr drive to take son back to his truck. (His semi broke down, we got to spend Jan. 1 together.)

 

1/1, 4:30pm

Emily:  u have a fun drive

 

1/1, 7:26pm

Emily:  if ur not too tired when ya get home i could use a chat

 

1/1, 9:54pm

Me:  I’m here. Hadn’t looked at my IPAD til now. You still up?

A ridiculous question. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.

 

1/2, 3:19am

Emily:  Sorry…made it through the moment and so exhausted I went to bed.

___________

 

January 2, 20**

 

1/2, 8:07am

Me:  It was too late.

 

1/2, 8:08am

Emily:  It’s ok

U can pray today…started the Daniel fast with some friends…no caffeine today is starting to take its toll.

 

1/2, 8:12am

Me:  Oh boy! I also am returning to a no sugar diet. I need to. Makes me feel better and I snack less. We can do this!

 

1/2, 8:44pm

Me:  How are your nights going now?

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January 3, 20**

 

1/3, 4:11am

Emily:  I passed out last night…no caffeine all day was a hard one. Seems as soon as I opened my eyes this morning the headache is returning. Should be better tomorrow or sun I suspect. I may give in to a swallow of coffee just to take the edge off today. I don’t need a lot.

Here’s hoping to being able to make it without though.

It really doesn’t help that last night was a toss and turn night either.

 

1/3, 8:27am

Me:  Why did you decide to give up coffee?

 

1/3, 8:33am

Emily:  Part of Daniel fast

 

1/3, 8:57am

Me:  I’m not familiar with it. Is it a short term fast?

 

1/3, 9:02am

Emily:  21 days short

 

1/3, 9:10am

Me:  Cool.

 

1/3, 9:43am

Emily:  google it…basically fruits/veggies/nuts/grains

no preservatives

no stimulants…caffeine

whole foods…no added sugars

 

1/3, 9:44am

Me:  Sometime today, tell me how you’re doing with your other stuff.

I had a sad evening last night. I want to tell you something private…and you don’t know him. My son is drifting away from his faith. I had noticed changes in him over the last year. He has been embracing a new path which has included some very good personal growth areas. He has always been my tender heart and was a good boy his whole life. People look up to him and trust him. At Easter something happened that opened my eyes that he was changing spiritually. Ever since, I have wished for an opportunity to engage him in conversation about it, but it never has happened. On Wednesday I wrote him an email and brought up the subject in a nonjudgmental way. He responded last night and said he appreciated my concern and that, yes, he was seeing things differently now. He opened the door for us to talk, which we will. His voice sounded so much like my sister, Lois, when she walked away, that it scared me deep inside. I know God has a call on his life and said as much. I fear for the compromises that he is probably making. He is feeling more happy than he ever has before because he has overcome some insecurities. He is successful, kind, and good. I just fear that he will embrace what will cause him heartache and pain in the end. Yet, we haven’t talked yet, so I am not reading into this.

 

1/3, 9:46am

Emily:  yes

 

1/3, 9:46am

Me:  A good diet!

 

1/3, 9:46am

Emily:  don’t like word ‘diet’…its a healthy way to eat

ur a good momma!

 

1/3, 9:47am

Me:  Thank you.

 

1/3, 9:48am

Emily:  i hear ur tender yet breaking heart for ur son…just remember we aren’t in control…but we can trust GOD IS!

 

1/3, 9:49am

Me:  Yes

Sometimes at moments like this I wish I had a soulmate husband that I could share these things with.

 

1/3, 9:51am

Emily:  i hear ya!

 

1/3, 9:55am

Me:  I am getting off this for awhile. Talk at ya later. Blessings …

 

1/3, 9:55am

Emily:  K

 

1/3, 10:20am

Emily: I WAS having a better day without coffee then yesterday til this afternoon now

Headache is coming back…was asleep by 8:30 PM last night without it or because the only way my head wasn’t pounding was if my eyes were closed.

Seems it may be rounding out to be a similar evening.

 

1/3, 10:29am

Me:  Well, the body is cleansing itself, detoxing I suppose. Tylenol PM?

 

1/3, 10:30am

Emily:  no meds…just gonna drink MORE water!

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January 5, 20**

 

1/5, 12:46pm

Me:  How’s the fast coming along? Hey, tell me some more of your story. How did God get your attention, release you out of the pit? How did you move forward? I don’t believe we’ve touched on this much, and I’ve been curious. If you have, I do have short term memory at times and can scroll back thru your writings. Write when you feel up to doing it.

 

1/5, 12:49pm

Emily:  the first day was the toughest without caffeine and i miss my tea and honey in the evening to wind down, but feeling better. thought i was gonna lose it today eating out with son after church but was able to find a bowl of fruit and a tossed salad with no dressing so i didn’t cheat. BIG football game today though and will be missing the pizza & bread sticks….grrrr

 

1/5, 12:51pm

Emily:  finding this fast that I’m missing the little things but the fast is reminding me that the little things are just as important as the big things….love how God is bringing my attention to the lil things with this time away with him.

tried soy nuts for the first time too so its expanding my food sources

 

1/5, 1:19pm

Me:  Excellent. Cool too. Progress. Sometimes it can make the head think clearer when one eats healthy foods.

 

1/5, 2:46pm

Emily:  And u’ll b happy to know walnuts were part of my protein today…picked some up yesterday to make a healthy trail mix to munch on.

 

1/5, 5:10pm

Me:  Right on! Supporting the walnut farmer! (I’m a walnut farmer.)

 

1/5, 5:43pm

Emily:  Thought u’d like that

 

1/5, 6:14pm

Emily:  whatchya doin?

 

1/5, 6:16pm

Me:  Nothin much. Did my good deed doing. G and I raked the yard of a vacant house across the street. The leaves will have to be hauled in my pickup to the burn pile at the farm. The city doesn’t pick up leaves after Christmas. Another neighbor came out and helped us.

 

1/5, 6:17pm

Emily:  nice

 

1/5, 6:18pm

Me:  I wanted to involve her. One of those life lessons.

 

1/5, 6:19pm

Emily:  a friend of mine from high school did that with her sons just before christmas…when i was very sick and we got 8+ inches of snow they drove a 1/2 hour or more to come shovel me out to help teach/show their young children how to be Jesus with skin on

 

1/5, 6:20pm

Me:  I’m crafting an article for the local newspaper on homelessness that will run in the Pastor’s section if they will let me. I’ve thought about doing this for a couple of years. Think I will give it a try.

 

1/5, 6:20pm

Emily:  great for u!

 

1/5, 6:27pm

Me:  It’s a growing problem in the downtown area. Word is out that Chico is a good place for the homeless to be. However, it is becoming a troubling issue for the businesses. I want to take a stab at it “even the least of these” as Jesus would see it. How to have compassion and care even when it is difficult and untidy, even scary.

 

1/5, 6:32pm

Emily:  i read an article once a while back of a pastor who started at a new church the first week dressed as a homeless man outside the church. no one knew it was him and his sermon revealed his act and pointed out why he felt called to this church…there were good & bad things his object lesson helped the church see about itself.

 

1/5, 6:37pm

Me:  That is revealing. We have arrogance and self righteous ways.

 

1/5, 6:47pm

Emily:  schools closed here tomorrow for the extreme cold

___________

 

January 8, 20**

 

01/08/20** 9:34am

Me:  Hi. Hope your day is treating you well. I am busy, busy with writing.

 

01/08/20** 2:59pm

Emily:  Phew! First day back to the office since before Christmas. Happy to b out of the house but tired. Just finished supper and heading to the treadmill now.

 

01/08/20** 4:55pm

Me:  Good! I have Awana tonight. I will do the story time lesson two times, K-2nd and 3-6th. Difficult subject tonight. Going to talk about how religions are not all alike. Have a story with the Muslim beliefs and their need for Christ. I am thinking about how I want to approach it. I know a Muslim (family from Iran/Persia) convert. She says Christians were the worst to her growing up in the States.

_____________

 

January 9, 20**

 

01/09/20** 8:42pm

Emily:  U around?

_____________

 

January 10, 20**

 

01/10/20** 8:12pm

Emily:  hey

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January 11, 20**

 

01/11/20** 9:32am

Me:  Sorry I’ve been MIA, Last night I was at my Book Dinner. It was wonderful. We’re on our 11th year. It was at my mom’s house. We just finished reading Sun Stand Still. Next we read Jennifer’s book. Have a great day. Btw, I finished writing 7 devotionals and got them sent off. Good to have that done. It’s trying to rain. I’ve been praying for rain lots lately. Much needed. Blessings…

 

01/11/20** 9:02pm

Emily:  Well good job get all those devotionals done!

 

01/11/2014 10:25pm

Me:

My bee sting is not looking good. I think I may have to go see a dr. tomorrow. Not my idea of fun.

________

 

January 12, 20**

 

01/12/20** 5:52am

Emily:  Well I guess I just found a positive for living here…too cold for the bees to be out this time of year…lol. Praying its all ok.

 

01/12/20** 12:51pm

Me:  Got my leg propped up. It will be a quiet day! Feel free to communicate. I ain’t going nowhere.

 

01/12/20** 5:53am

Emily:  girl…crazy end of my week here!

 

01/12/20** 5:57am

Me:  Good type of crazy?

 

01/12/20** 5:55 am

Emily:  crazy type of crazy!

 

01/12/20** 5:58 am

Me:  Ok. Smile

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This is my first time to hear the term Daniel Fast. It has my attention! Also, this session has a new area of honesty to it. I share a personal concern, which, by the way, is difficult for me to put out there on my blog. But fair is fair. I’ve put her stuff out there, so I should too.

True friendship is a gift that has the power to make our lives better.
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To be a good neighbor requires action.
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Overcoming the past is a struggle, but it is worth the effort.
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What are some ways you or someone you know have been able to help people in need?

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LINKS

>next post:  Struggle, empathy, sexual relations, and overcoming:  Conversations with Emily (19)

<previous post:  Beaten, raped, and left for dead:  Conversations with Emily (17)

|<<first post:  A woman at risk:  Conversations with Emily (1)

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I welcome your comments.