The girl tells me she’s in the book, she is an unwed mother, and she is raising her son as a single parent. Emily’s response to my advice? “I’m scared. Scared to make any list. Scared to ask for help. Scared to go to God. Scared to be alone right now through this. Just plain scared.”
Pastor’s Daughter, Unwed and Pregnant
September 24, 20**
9/24, 3:31am
Emily:
So…I’m the Emily in ch 2 & 6
The pregnancy I speak about in 6 is my son
9/24, 5:52am
Me:
Okay. Is it okay having your story out there? From an author’s perspective, I’d like to know how you are with that. My kids are quite uncomfortable with me mentioning our story or writing about them even though I don’t use their names. So it makes me rethink everything and I don’t write some things that I wish I could.
Are you a single parent? Have you found deep healing for the painful experiences (and demons) in your past? Have you been facing rejection? How can I help? Tell me anything you want. Don’t worry about me judging. I don’t do that anymore.
9/24, 6:29am
Emily:
My son and I live and breathe ministry. Gods asked me to live authentically so others could see Him thru me. All of my life I’ve run from that calling. I’ve pretended and hid and stuffed. But then God sent me my son “Isaac.” When I share testimony I share that first God saved me by sending His son to die on the cross for my sins and raised Him up so I would be forgiven and live with Him for eternity. Then God sent my son to save me from myself.
I couldn’t eat for myself when I got got pregnant but I could eat for the living being growing inside me. I never dreamt of being a mother. I didn’t think I had a nurturing cell in me. But then God gave me Isaac. Isaac taught me how to love and to live and to not just let life pass u by but to experience life for the first time. Isaac was born blind and hearing loss was diagnosed in kindergarten. Experiencing the world around us is always an adventure.
9/24, 6:34am
Emily:
I think I walked thru the first two yrs of his life in a blackout. It took a few yrs putting months together and relapsing in drugs or alcohol and finally stuck almost 9 yrs ago. I’ve questioned God often, why me? Why, my voice? What I’ve found is that people just need someone with the courage to start the tough conversations and they follow and find healing.
9/24, 6:39am
Me:
Wow, Emily. Authenticity. Very hard to be. Sweet Isaac. God rescued you. Praises!!!
9/24, 6:40am
Emily:
Tell me about it!
I am a single parent. I do think twice about sharing anything bout my son. I run things past him at times and he has said no to a few and I respect that.
9/24, 6:42am
Me:
I am making breakfast for my daughter. Be back soon.
9/24, 6:43am
Emily:
I’ve found much healing in recent yrs but about a yr ago God began bringing me deeper and I began running harder. I’m at a place where I need to stop running or I’m gonna lose the battle I’m fighting with myself.
Suppose I should be praying for a breakthrough. Instead I find I’m just mad. Maybe it’s my stubbornness or maybe it’s all part of the process. Or maybe a lil of both.
9/24, 6:50am
Emily:
I’m not sure if I’d call what I’m facing rejection really. But it is something. A yr ago the church I talk about in ch 2 that has been my source of healing thru some pretty tough stuff, went through an awful split. My track record is to run so we stuck around for a while. But in May I felt God release us from the ministry there. I’d hoped to have found a new home by now but that’s not the case and for the two of us who live and breathe ministry it’s a bit like fish outta water.
The split brought up a ton of my past hurts having been sexually abused in a church body as a young girl. The mistrust and hurt from childhood got intertwined with the present happenings and it was a tough 9 months that we stuck around. Yes, there is more to heal. No, I can’t do it at that church or the one that split off.
9/24, 6:55am
Emily:
Girl, what u can do for me is encourage and validate. I’m feeling VERY alone! People who have said they wanted to talk about our leaving have never called. Those who once were around to speak into my life have left.
If I’m gonna be able to do the work God is asking of me…dig deep into the healing He already has for me I need a support system speaking louder than the lies. As much as I wanna push everyone outta my life I need people more than ever right now. I’m sorry for being such a bear yesterday. You have my permission to slap me outta it next time.
9/24, 8:12am
Me:
I coming to thinking that healing is an on-going process. We deal with what we have and then more comes. That’s sad about the church you were in. Good for you for staying around as long as you could. All I can think in response to what you say, is that God is taking you a new direction and maybe just sitting you on the sidelines to accomplish something else in your life. He often does that. He takes us to a place of silence and we become intent listeners.
I’m glad you have experienced healing. That makes me smile. As far as our communication, I think it is hard to know how much or little to say. I don’t want to preach at you nor do nothing. Most of all, I just want to pray with you, come along side you, and give you a couple of things to think about once in awhile. It has always meant a lot to me to have praying friends. We need to pray up a church family.
9/24, 8:47am
Me:
Emily, what you need is a crucifixion experience, and I mean this. Real living in the fullness and peace of God, happens when you give up, give it all to Him, surrender your wants, wishes, and dreams at the cross, and grab onto Him as enough. HE WILL MEET YOU THERE. I promise. All this pain is to take you to that place where you give up and say, “all I want is You.” It will free you.
You are the only one who can do this for yourself. How? I can’t say, except to beg Him to help you, and to sincerely mean it. You can’t hold anything back. For me, it wasn’t that way exactly. I sat down and wrote a list of all the things I wanted God to change and heal in my life. (I was 46) And then I told Him that I couldn’t do it, He would have to, I was done trying and striving. No one tried harder than I had to be the perfect little Christian, but it was never enough. After my list was written, I prayed and cried. Change in me came, slow but freeing, a purifying of my inner person took place. I have never been the same. Tears come into my eyes as I write this. I’m so thankful.
9/24, 9:37am
Emily:
It’s bringing tears to my eyes just thinking bout it
9/24, 10:33am
Me:
What is truly amazing is that every single item on my list has been changed or healed.
9/24, 10:34am
Emily:
I’m scared
Scared to make any list
Scared to ask for help
Scared to go to God
Scared to be alone right now thru this
Just plain scared
9/24, 12:15pm
Emily:
Add, scared I’m going crazy!
9/24, 12:25pm
Emily:
Would u please pray? Sitting at work and co-worker just walked in but I felt someone tap my shoulder. I asked what he wanted and he didn’t know what I was talking bout. He’s not one who would prank like that…at least with me. Talked to him bout it and he verified he didn’t see anyone.
Am I seriously going crazy? Right now I’m panicking and anxiety has gone thru the roof. Having to remind myself I’m not out on that cold dark street in the middle of Dec, laying in the street with my clothes 1/2 off. Is this what crazy feels like?
9/24, 12:41pm
Me:
Dear Emily, I had something weird too, happened at 5:30 a.m. My alarm went off , one beep..not usual, it’s usually three beeps, I started to get up and then I looked at the clock. It was an hour before 6:30 the time it was set for. Well, I lay back in bed and tried to sleep, but was wide awake. I asked God if He wanted me to pray. “yes.” I go in the living room and there’s my Ipad. I read your message and respond, then start praying FOR YOU. Then I get a little sleepy and fall back asleep there on the couch.
God has your name today. Don’t be scared. It’s fruitless. Could be the Enemy’s whispers. Claim “When I am afraid I will trust in God.” Chase Satan away by quoting the Word. He has no power when you claim truth. Next, ask God to help you trust. Do it in HIS strength. When you are weak, HE becomes strong. He waits to be invited. YOU will make it. I see victory in your future. There will be a watershed moment. I’m praying for it. Great will be the release.
Remember, you are not alone. You aren’t. That is also the lie Elijah believed. You just feel alone. We will pray this one through. Be brave in HIS strength. It’s possible. “I can’t do it, but You can.” Say it to God. (Now I’m preaching!)
9/24, 1:14pm
Me:
God has not abandoned you, He is waiting until you are ready. We think we’re waiting for Him, when in reality, He is waiting for us. (most times) (if this truly a spiritual battle, not depression or a medical condition)
9/24, 1:39pm
Emily:
ya…i know He’s waiting on me…
9/24, 3:20pm
Me:
You okay?
9/24, 3:31pm
Emily:
Waiting in line at a funeral visitation
So, as okay as one can b there
9/24, 3:39pm
Me:
K. Just making sure.
9/24, 7:40pm
Emily:
ty
9/24, 8:42pm
Emily:
I’ve had a sinus headache all day…would u pray my head will stop pounding long enough for me to fall asleep and that if any throbbing is going to occur that it not wake me
9/24, 9:06pm
Me:
Sure. GN
JUST PLAIN SCARED
Emily’s words sounded frightened and vulnerable. Here I was trying to open the door, but was she ready to hear what little advice I could give? Time would tell.
Emily is opening up. Now I understand some of what has brought her pain. It’s not easy to be an unwed single mother, especially in the church. She has inner strength that comes through despite the chaos that emotions are causing her.
The conversation continues.
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LINKS
>next post: Scared and in emotional pain: Conversations with Emily (7)
<previous post: It doesn’t matter anymore: Conversations with Emily (5)
|<<first post: A woman at risk: Conversations with Emily (1)
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I welcome your comments. Thank you.
