“Emily” decides to say it like it is but only because she is in emotional pain and totally twisted up inside. A brutal rape two decades ago has defined her life and has almost ruined it. Her past stalks her by day and haunts her by night. It is not an easy truth nor easy to write about.

JUST PLAIN SCARED: CONVERSATIONS WITH EMILY

Warning:  Sensitive content. This post has some graphic content. I include it because it is Emily’s reality, and it also helps us understand her struggle to get past it.

>You also might want to skip on past the lighter conversation and go to the longer paragraphs where the meat is.

The conversation continues.

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November 25, 20**

11/25, 4:36am
Emily:  i sorry i only share the yuck…the only way i get through a day is to try to see the good. id be dead right now if i couldn’t

11/25, 11:53am
Me:  That’s right! Good for you. Tell me one of them.

11/25, 11:53am
Emily:  God met me in a very sweet way yesterday in church
Sat was a tough day and Sat night was long…began my day in quiet time before running off to church with son really begging God to show up BIG TIME!
He did!

11/25, 11:56am
Me:  Wonderful. Makes me glad for you. Yesterday I felt somber. Today is better. Loss does that to me, even when it’s not my child. Looking for the little joys today. Have to rake tons of leaves.

11/25, 11:57am
Emily:  i don’t tend to even feel safe in His arms most of the time and Sun morning worship He wanted me to FEEL safe with Him…it was evident. hard for me to let down my guard in a strange place, but God made me feel welcome.
and most of all safe
no more raking leaves here!

11/25, 12:30pm
Emily:  Cool. Safe in the arms of Jesus.

11/25, 12:53pm
Emily:  i got a sense of that yesterday…not usually the case for me though so I’ll hold onto what i got as long as i can

11/25, 3:32pm
Me:  When I look at the cross I see Jesus with His arms wide open for the world, for all of us. I read that once and it has never left me.

11/25, 3:39pm
Emily:  i get that pic…but it freaks me out
i know…I’m dumb

11/25, 3:45pm
Me:  Silly.
G was playing the piano. She has the week off. I love to listen to her.

11/25, 3:47pm
Emily:  my son has 2 1/2 days this week, but not sure what they actually get accomplished

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November 27, 20**

11/27, 8:01pm
Emily:  ya doing better?

11/27, 8:33pm
Me:  I’m ok. Just feel tired of everything. Glad my son is here. How are you doing?

11/27, 8:35pm
Emily:  Family just arrived
i made it almost 20 min before i had to be rude and excuse myself to go to bedmy parents stress me out!
praying for patience for the next couple days

11/27, 9:14pm
Me:  Keep reminding yourself, ‘extend grace.’ It does help. I found myself thinking negative thoughts tonight about a family member. I had to pray to change it up. Just don’t want to be a self-righteous person. I will pray for you…if you will pray for me. Deal?

11/27, 9:15pm
Emily:  yep

__________

November 28, 20**

11/28, 3:13pm
Me:  Happy Thanksgiving, bless you!

11/28, 6:13pm
Emily:  HaPpY tHaNkSgIvInG!!!

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November 30, 20**

11/30, 4:32pm
Emily:  Would u pray? Smelling alcohol…not sure why or what’s going on. Could just use the prayers.
I’ll b celebrating 9 yrs clean & sober this wed

11/30, 5:32pm
Me:  Ok. I will pray. Good for you on your sobriety.

11/30, 5:35pm
Emily:  Thx

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December 3, 20**

12/3, 6:34am
Me:  Hi Emily, Good Morning.

12/3, 6:54am
Emily:  GM!

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December 11, 20**

12/11, 10:36am
Emily:  Thanks for ur calm and encouraging comments in the midst of my chaos and panic

12/11, 1:05pm
Me:  I’m glad they help. I know it’s a battle that is not for spiritual lightweights! You are such a sweetie! Bless you!

12/11, 1:07pm
Emily:  I know my dad watches my page. I’m wondering my parents’ reaction (to a public post)

12/11, 1:28pm
Me:  If they ask, they need to know the truth, not all the details. I don’t read my kids (posts) very much. It makes me nervous!!!

12/11, 2:02pm
Emily:  Not sure what they’d even ask. And not sure what u mean by truth.

12/11, 2:04pm
Me:  I mean, if they ask, you can’t avoid it.

12/11, 2:05pm
Emily:  Lol…with MY parents? YES I CAN!
They question it, I just say “what? Didn’t notice? What’d he have to say?” Or “ya…so…”
By they don’t need to know all the details…they don’t need to know I couldn’t eat that night or that I didn’t sleep and they sure won’t get how I felt stuff happening to me all over again like I was right there and not a grown adult living in my own house a state away!

12/11, 2:08pm
Me:  You know what is best. I’m just guessing. I like honesty. I hate dishonesty. But sometimes people can’t handle the truth, their world is too black and white. They haven’t seen the bigger picture. Then one just tells what is enough.

12/11, 2:09pm
Emily:  Sorry…is that too much? Guess I’m still a bit on edge bout it all.
So I’ll go with ya…so, not being dishonest

12/11, 2:15pm
Me:  Not sure I get the question. But if it’s “sorry” as the answer, then I think it works. This could lead to something bigger. If you’ve hurt or disappointed your parents, even if they’ve done the same to you, there is a time to say that you’re sorry your actions hurt/disappointed them. It’s one of those God directed things. Timing is important. Not trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. May not be the case anyway.

12/11, 2:16pm
Emily:  Lol…no the sorry was for u
I felt like I just spewed at u and didn’t mean to dump

12/11, 2:19pm
Me:  I get that. I will always be a kid to my folks. It’s irritating and annoying. But they mean well. And they’re proud of me. That helps.
Hey, I didn’t see it like “spewing”.

12/11, 2:24pm
Emily:  I’m gonna go get my nails done. Feel like I’m not breathing and feeling shaky.
Thought it might be I hadn’t eaten most of the day but eating just now seems to have made me feel worse.
I’m sure it’s just my blood sugars. They r just outta whack

12/11, 4:28pm
Me:  Going caroling tonight. Will freeze my socks off.

12/11, 4:41pm
Emily:  Don’t wear socks an they won’t freeze off, duh!

12/11, 8:27pm
Me:  I wanted to say “tush” but changed my mind

12/11, 8:28pm
Emily:  u shoulda
just say whats on ur mind with me…haven’t u learned that bout me yet, silly?

12/11, 8:59pm
Emily:  We were -4 around 430pm here. Supposed to get down to -25 tonight…u stay warm Caroling?

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December 12, 20**

12/12, 7:49am
Me:  I ended up staying at the church and visiting with some of the ladies who were setting up hot cider and cookies etc. When the kids and families got back, they were pretty cold. That is really cold where you live! Shiver me timbers!

12/12, 7:50am
Emily:  Well weren’t u the smart one!
Son has finally decided he’s ready to move south!

12/12, 7:52am
Me:  I don’t blame him.

12/12, 7:53am
Emily:  Now the fun part of getting house ready for sale and house hunting in warmer climates

12/12, 8:46am
Me:  Right! And then there’s the little thing called work!

12/12, 8:47am
Emily:  I can work from anywhere I have internet…not a prob

12/12, 8:52am
Me:  That’s great!!!

12/12, 10:16am
Emily:  Body memories overwhelming right now! Pray

12/12, 11:05am
Me:  I had an interesting talk with a woman who has helped people overcome this problem. She was kind of quirky so I just asked questions and processed it. She says that the body remembers, like you are saying, and that the person needs to speak to it and say all the things you wish you had said during the time it happened. That is why people who’ve been hurt in a physical way will often recoil to touch, which we both know is true. She actually allows people to be combative, with her as their target. I thought that was a bit extreme, but I could see the getting it out and saying all those things so they won’t be harbored any longer; of course, seeking God throughout the process. She asked me about my healing. I told her. She was surprised that I could do it on my own, alone with God. (At the time) there were many tears…and it hurt, but it was gone when I was done.

12/12, 11:06am
Me:  Praying.

12/12, 11:13am
Emily:  I’m scared I’ll be lost if I attempt myself.

12/12, 12:54pm
Me:  Not a good idea, I agree. Unless God brings you to that place. Then He will help you. I suppose He works in us all differently.

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December 13, 20**

12/13, 2:45pm
Emily:  Sat at lunch with son at a fav pizza place and became overwhelmed with tears.

12/13, 5:27pm
Me:  Why?

12/13, 6:06pm
Emily:  (It) might have something to do with…20 yrs ago tonight my life changed forever

12/13, 6:40pm
Me:  Oh. So sorry

12/13, 6:41pm
Emily:  no need

12/13, 6:41pm
Me:  a hard thing.

12/13, 6:42pm
Emily: brutally attacked, beaten, raped & left for dead, the straw that broke the camel’s back and led me into a life of gangs

12/13, 6:42pm
Me:  By one person or more?

12/13, 6:44pm
Emily:  this night, 3 came out of building but only 1

12/13, 6:46pm
Me:  Stranger or the guy from your post earlier this week?

12/13, 6:46pm
Emily:  stranger
cops never found him

12/13, 6:47pm
Me:  Awful.

12/13, 6:47pm
Emily:  na…it is what it is
a few yrs ago i went back to the area and got really mad at God for putting a church on that run down empty lot (where) it had occurred

12/13, 6:49pm
Me:  It is. You had to crawl out of the grip of pure evil.
He redeemed it.

12/13, 6:50pm
Emily:  ya…but i was still really really mad he’d do that

12/13, 6:50pm
Me:  yes
do you feel sadness, grief, or anger right now? Does God ever speak to you about this?

12/13, 6:57pm
Emily:  earlier today it was sadness…fighting back tears out of the blue. right now it’s more panic
it’s more fear

12/13, 7:00pm
Me:  I want to ask you to do something for me, I want you to get alone with God and ask Him if you have believed any lies related to the rape and beating. No hurry but sometime soon. I also want you to ask Him to lead you out of fear in a tangible way. Then I want you to write it down…what occurs. That is, if you ‘re ready to move forward with this. I can pray from this end.

12/13, 7:01pm
Emily:  yes there r lies & my entire insides started vibrating with anxiety about writing anything down
i have such fear bout writing these days

12/13, 7:02pm
Me:  You are trapped. You need to be set free. You need to become healthy. But to get there, I believe you need a release.

12/13, 7:02pm
Emily:  and I’m scared to release

12/13, 7:03pm
Me:  Why be scared?
The very thing you fear is the very thing that will free you.

12/13, 7:05pm
Emily:  can’t say it makes sense…just my reality

12/13, 7:08pm
Me:  Nail it to the cross. Cry buckets if you have to. Ask God why He didn’t protect you. Tell Him it hurt, and you were afraid that you were going to die. Say it all. But make sure someone is praying (for you) as you walk thru it. Satan does not want you to be free. He will be in the ring as the opponent. (But) He has no power over Christ. Don’t wimp out on me, Emily. It does make sense. Lots of sense.

12/13, 7:09pm
Me:  It’s a battle for your mind and emotions.

12/13, 7:15pm
Me:  You seem to also be afraid of yourself, if you can handle it. I sense that God is bringing you to the brink where you will have to deal with it. Come on, girl, you have work to do. Do it for Isaac, for yourself, for God, and for me. I’ll pray courage for you. Done talking now. Btw, you don’t have to write it down, just thought it would help work thru the process.

12/13, 7:15pm
Emily:  I’m sorry…i can’t do this

12/13, 7:17pm
Me:  We’ll pray for the right time, if that’s what needs to happen. I could be wrong, of course.

12/13, 7:18pm
Emily:  no…ur right
I’m just dumb

12/13, 7:18pm
Me:  NOT! Just scared!
You will find a way. I believe in you. You’re a fighter.  And you are precious.

12/13, 7:20pm
Emily:  fighter…sure, precious…not anything special

12/13, 7:33pm
Me:  Oh brother. Remember, you made my daughter laugh. That’s good. Think I’m going to get off now. Take care. Wish there was something I could do to cheer your heart tonight. I have two days every year that I crawl into a hole and don’t come out. They both involve the pain of loss of someone I loved deeply. I always light a candle and listen to music that speaks to me. Not like your stuff, but a sorrowing nevertheless. Blessings. Ya know you can always leave me a message. Don’t mind at all.

12/13, 7:35pm
Emily:  what made ur daughter laugh?
is she reading this?

12/13, 7:48pm
Me:  No. I don’t share it or say much.
She liked you, thought you were fun. I think it’s hard on her having a parent who is the age of a grandparent, the generation difference. With you she could relax, besides, you had her respect cuz of the boxing.

__________

December 14, 20**

12/14, 5:37am
Emily:  i guess i was just curious how i made her laugh
sorry i just couldn’t do this last night…body literally shut down on me

12/14, 8:26am
Me:  That’s okay. I don’t think it should be forced anyways. No need to apologize. I’m not disappointed. What’s on the agenda for today? I have a women’s Christmas Party at church.

12/14, 8:27am
Emily:  well breakfast was cancelled already last night because of snow…so 2pm heading to meet friends for Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Christmas movie
understand i don’t feel pressure or push from u…but i wanna get to the other side of this
pushing myself and highly disappointed in myself

12/14, 10:18am
Me:  “For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, that I can walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” Psalm 116:8,9. God wants Emily to live in the ‘land of the living.’ This passage speaks to me of living in freedom… That’s REAL living, not just getting by. Go to verse 16, “You have freed me from my chains.”

When healing has occurred, then freedom is experienced. I didn’t know that until I experienced it as a byproduct. A lightness came in that I had not known before, almost like a relief, a burden lifted that you didn’t know you were bearing. I was never around people who talked about healing of the emotions. So, for me, it was something that came with my seeking of God for truth and help. Although, at some point I asked Him to heal me but wasn’t confident that He would. Seek Him with your whole heart. Then you will find what you seek.

Emily, you must give up your negative self-talk. Just let it go. It inhibits you. I suffer from that too. But it accomplishes nothing and makes me believe worthless lies about myself. The news is, YOU CAN’T DO IT. You can’t. It is too deep and too hard. You have to surrender it. Is that where the battle is being waged? I don’t know. You are carrying something that is consuming you on the inside. Because you have opened up to me, I can know this.  You’ve let the mask down to be real with me. I see more than you probably know. Hold on to my next statement, “The light dispels the darkness.” Keep moving forward even if it is in baby steps. Loving you in Jesus, dear sister. Gotta leave my IPad now. I appreciate your frankness with me.

12/14, 9:42pm
Me:  Just got back. Think I overdid the advice column! Hope you are ok. Btw, I was impressed that your son did the laundry and dishes the other day. Especially without being asked. That is something rare. You must be doing a good job.

__________

December 15, 20**

12/15, 3:26am
Emily:  They r his responsibility.

12/15, 4:09am
Emily:  I’m hating that I fall asleep feeling pressure of being raped from behind only to wake up feeling the weight of them of top of me, violating me in every opening avail, hearing them telling me to just relax

12/15, 7:22am
Emily:  I’m sorry that in my insanity this morning i shared so freely and so graphically. i feel AWFUL bout it!
there are just some things i need to leave unsaid…

12/15, 9:57am
Me:  No worries. I can’t talk much today. Going to be busy. Blessings on you!

12/15, 9:58am
Emily:  Np

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December 21, 20**

12/21, 2:48pm
Emily:  um…u shouldn’t have….thanks so much for the fun surprise in my mailbox today! (A small Christmas gift I sent to her and her son)

__________

December 24, 20**

12/24, 9:39am
Me:  In case I don’t get to it tomorrow, Merry Christmas, Emily. Blessings to you.

12/24, 10:13am
Emily:  Merry Christmas!

__________

December 25, 20**

12/25, 5:42am
Emily:  MeRrY cHrIsTmAs!

12/25, 7:41am
Me:  Cute! Thanks, and Good Morning!

__________

December 26, 20**

12/26, 2:51pm
Emily:  coming down from holiday high and could use prayers not to bottom out

12/26, 11:06pm
Me:  Just read this. On it!

__________

 December 27, 20**

12/27, 5:25am
Emily:  Thx

__________

December 31, 20**

12/31, 11:25am
Me:  Hi there. How is life? I’m gearing up for a busy and bountiful 20**. I’ll be leading the Women’s Ministry at my church. This time I am intent on opening the door to a movement of God in the lives of our women. I think it’s time. I’m tired of complacency. I want God to release His power and revitalize and transform. It will take hard work to get there, but I am confident that God has something He can do that will amaze us. We so often get in the way but that is not acceptable. Walls will have to come crushing down. Now that will take an act of God. People don’t tend to want that for themselves.

I believe in the truth, and its transforming nature.

How is my friend? Really? I feel like I’ve abandoned you this last month. It has been busier than the usual humdrum stuff. I haven’t even been writing. I just got asked to contribute to a devotional for Christian people overcoming the impact of divorce. I am preparing five writings. It dovetails with the topics we’ve been dealing with. It’s a new step forward because this one will be in book, not blog, format.
Have to say that I miss talking with you.
Happy New Year tomorrow!

12/31, 11:26am
Emily:  miss u too

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I share about Emily’s assaults because I know there are people who like Emily are suffering and the residual effects won’t go away, instead they intensify, though, for some, its effects are buried in the subconscious because that was their coping mechanism, the way they managed the pain. For the rest of us, we may be oblivious or unaware of how extremely devastating an assault can be and its lasting impact on the person. People get trapped in a cycle of pain.

I was glad Emily was opening up to me. What she needed was a non-judgmental friend.  I was beginning to realize that this one was BIG and much bigger than I originally had perceived. Almost every reply I made to Emily was prayed over. I asked God for wisdom. He helped me share truth with Emily. Most of all, I found myself responding like a caring friend to a younger woman who was caught in a daily nightmare of painful memories, locked in a cycle of fear-induced panic. In the short three months we’d been talking, she had come to feel like a daughter to me. I marveled at our friendship and wondered why it was working.

This was pretty hard stuff. Some of you can relate to Emily’s story. You know the pain of abuse, assault and maybe even rape. No one should have that sort of dehumanizing experience, one that causes lasting damage and rips your soul into shreds. A wish I have for you is that you may one day know freedom from your emotional injury and find a way out. To remain stuck in your pain is to live life within a constant shadow like a dark cloud hovering over you. Even though we do not know each other, I am sorry that someone did that to you. I also wish to encourage you. As long as there is life, there will always be hope.

I believe God can help you heal. Remember these words always, “Joy comes in the morning.” These words of comfort are found in the Bible. We must understand them as true and believable though life may seem to argue the fact at times.  Hopefully they will help you in some small way and then joy will pay you a visit. You do have a future. Never forget this promise, the sun will rise again. A nugget I have learned from my own experiences is this, you must seek your own healing.  It must be pursued, not avoided nor submerged. There are ways to seek healing. Healing starts with intention.

Where do you find encouragement when emotional pain visits you?

Feel free to leave me a message in the contact box if you’d like a caring word.

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LINKS

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I welcome your comments.