A Love Story in Reverse

Valentine’s Day, 2014

I have this friend that has struggled with her marriage relationship for as long as I have known her.  Not a first marriage for either of them, but the first Christian marriage for both of them. Their religious belief is what initially brought them together. They saw in each other the opportunity for a better second marriage. They believed a focus on a union based on Christ and Christian living would make it. As is often the case, it was not easy.

What they had was a blended family. The children from both marriages became a stressful dynamic. Also, there were the unresolved issues from their first marriages. This stress was a carry-over from the hurt and rejection they both had experienced. Even greater than these areas was a lack of understanding on how to make their love work for them. One partner seemed to dominate the relationship and the other felt diminished as a result. Several times over the course of a couple of decades the couple went to their minister for counsel, both independently and together.

They both wanted the marriage to be successful and to bring them happiness. But happiness seemed to elude them. They went through job losses, family troubles, and financial crises. Life was hard. Then it came to a point that one summer she left him, not for someone else but because something had to change between them.

The love was there, but the impossibility of it all had created a deadness deep inside her, and I assume, deep inside him as well.  He missed her, wanted her to come back. People didn’t know what was going on. He seemed lost without her. With his promise to try to meet her needs and be more attentive (I’m guessing here), she came back a couple of months later. They recommitted their purpose together.

Those of us from the outside looking in could see a spark being rekindled. We saw them both trying. He became more gentle with her in his speech, more demonstrative, putting his arm around her as they sat in church. She was less to complain about him to her friends, less to voice her frustration with him. They led a children’s ministry and made it blossom, keeping their stuff to themselves as they worked together side-by-side, choosing to be united in front of others. It couldn’t have been easy with their personalities and past history.

He was the more vocal in public. He expressed his desire to be the man God wanted him to be–and meant it. He would ask difficult questions about living the Christian life, letting go of the things that hinder, and moving in the direction of a man who is a authentic seeker of God.

It was good to watch him reach for it. I saw in her, this same desire, to be a woman after God’s own heart. She would talk to me about her wishes in the spiritual realm. Something was still was elusive in their relationship. They couldn’t seem to connect on the emotional level, to feel things as one, to be in harmony.

Valentine’s Day, 2014, ushered in a new beginning for this couple. She told me about it in person a couple of weeks later. We were talking about other church-related topics. I remarked how I had seen positive changes in both of them. I asked her how they were doing these days. She began to share a story with me. Tears were in both our eyes by the time the story was finished.

Here is what happened.

She walked in the door in the late afternoon on Valentine’s Day, weary from work. The first thing she noticed was the table set all fancy like, with candles, nice dishes, and a bouquet of flowers to set it off. The house smelt delicious and her husband was busy in the kitchen.

He greeted her with a hug and smile, and then returned to cooking dinner. Music was playing as they ate by candlelight. This was different than ever before. There was something about him that was extra attentive. After they ate, he said to her, “Why don’t we dance?” They turned up the music and began to dance. Her tears began to flow. He asked her why she was crying.

“This is what I’ve always wanted,” she said to him, while nestled in his warm embrace.

“I know you have. But I never knew how to give it to you, how to show you,” he replied, his voice expressing his regret.

“What happened? Why now?” She asked him.

He looked at her with softness in his eyes, and then replied, “Last night while we were singing that song about love at church with the children, the song touched my heart. And then during that lesson that about the different types of love, something broke through. Somehow, while Jennifer (the leader) was talking about Agape love, I finally understood it. I can’t explain it, but I suddenly knew what I was missing. I realized, how I didn’t know how to live out my love for you, and how I was keeping myself from expressing it to you. It’s like something clicked. Then I knew what I needed to do to show you how much you mean to me. I just want to make you happy.”

My friend turned to me and smiled. I was so happy for her. I knew how much she had longed for his love and to feel secure in it, and how she had prayed for years that something would change between them. I asked if I could share her story on a blog as a way to encourage others who are discouraged with their mates and marriage. She nodded in agreement.

No marriage is doomed when both people in it are committed to its success. Miracles still happen. The wait may be long but that isn’t necessarily the end of the story.

. . .

This post was first posted in 2014, the year the miracle happened for them. I tweaked it a little before reposting it. Since then, for these last few years, the woman in this story has been caring for her husband. His health has declined, and she has become his caregiver. This also has not been easy, but she carries on.

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