“How do you save

someone from themselves?

You can’t.

You can love them,

you can help them,

you can provide for them,

but you can’t save them.”

Those are sort of discouraging words. There is a limit to what we can do for someone who is intent on heading a wrong direction with their life. I wrote those words on a tablet a couple of years ago. I don’t know why I wrote them or who I was thinking about at the time. I surmise it was to do with a young person who is not coming up to speed in some way. Looking at the words, I think I would add one more line; at some point, a person must become responsible for their own life.

On a talk show this week, I was listening to a discussion about young people and how they are today in comparison to a couple of decades ago. The host was interviewing a counselor in the college-university system. She said that she has been in the business for twenty-five years. She said that young people are much farther behind than young people were twenty years ago. She went on to say, college freshman today are much less prepared for school (and life) and there are reasons for this. Many of them have not failed because their parents have been making sure everything goes right for them. Intervening when there is an uncomfortable issue. Parents have been cleaning up the messes rather than giving their children the experiences of handling their own problems and the responsibility that comes with meeting the expectation. They haven’t had to face the consequences of their poor choices because of their parents’ willingness to step in and fix things on their behalf.

To be honest, I’ve been guilty of this at times. I have also practiced tough love on a couple of occasions because I knew I had to.

The discussion was about parents learning to allow their children to fail for the child’s own personal growth, and the need for adults to teach their children and young people how to become responsible for themselves. A parent’s role includes cheering their child on, by showing them that they are encouraging their personal growth–“This is great! Good job! See what you learned!” Responsibilities are something a parent expects and has a follow-through plan to help make it happen. Parents were encouraged to work on two areas at a time with each of their children. When those skills are acquired, they go on to the next two skills. They have a reasonable progression, a list, of areas they want their child to know and do before they leave home for college. They don’t overwhelm by having too many expectations at one time.

Intentional parenting is involved. It is like old-fashioned horse sense with kindness mixed in for good measure.

It all sounds good (one of the speakers has four children and has raised thirteen foster children and seemed to know what he was talking about). But, but, but. But, alas, sometimes it is pretty tough to make it all work out well. The goal, to prepare our children for life and to become responsible adults, is a good one, and there are ways to aim at it. As a parent of five, I can attest that the effort involved in solid parenting is much more difficult than it appears. It has its discouraging moments and it has its difficult challenges. It also has its rewards and its celebrations. Achievements are often the result of consistent learning of right behaviors, and also learning from failure when it happens, too.

There are times you must step back and let your child face the consequences for their actions. For example, I remember walking my oldest child back to the store to pay for some caps he took from a five and dime. I found him smashing the caps with a rock on the front stoop. He was in kindergarten or first grade. It was a life lesson. He was shy and it was painful for both of us. I had him speak to the male clerk, who was a tall man. Later on, this son of mine developed a penchant for finding lost items. The first thing he found was in the park when he was in first grade. It was a state-of-the-art, gold, extra-fancy with a long blade, pocket knife. It was a beauty. I wanted him to keep it, that’s a natural impulse, but it wasn’t his to keep. I knew I had a responsibility to teach him to do the right thing and that we don’t keep what isn’t ours in the first place. We turned the pocket knife in to the park personnel.

From then on, Son 1 would find all sorts of things, two bicycles on two different occasions, a white purse with $60 in it while in 8th grade and riding his bike out in the country, a Guess watch at an Oregon campground, many, many cell phones and so forth. Every single one he turned in to the proper authorities. Only the Guess watch was sent back to him 6 months later. I knew he was honest as the day is long the day I mistakenly carried a coiled hose out of a farm store without paying for it, when my son, realizing what I had done, grabbed the hose and immediately went back inside the store to pay for it. He was in high school at the time. Interesting, isn’t it?

Do all the good you can and the best you can. But then you have to let go and let them face their own choices. I believe it is essential to do this, or we end up with adult children who never grow up because they’ve never had to.

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