Much of this year I have been physically, emotionally, and relationally weary. That’s the honest truth, through and through. The happiness wasn’t there. I was carrying burdens and working through complications and worrying about my mother’s health and her next steps. Then it got even more complicated. Although her passing was expected, the uncertainty you go through is still draining.

The week of Mother’s two services, I felt an extreme weariness with it all. Words and thoughts were hard to come by for any length of time. I fell strangely silent. Making conversation seemed a great effort. My youngest daughter later said, about that week, that she thought I was worried because I was so unlike myself. Truly, it was only a great weariness.

A week or two later and I am much better. Sometimes you plug along trying to get through another day, and next day, and next. Some seasons in life are that way. It is your hope and knowledge that God is carrying you along that helps get you through it. I’ve slept a lot more than usual these days, but I am recovering. Rest is respite for the weary.

There was good reason for me being the way I’ve been, but not a good enough reason. A week ago I did my best to face it. I wrote it all down in my journal. I prayed and prayed and released and released, a little more than I had released the week before, and the week before that. I asked God to help me get things done, to help get me out of the fog and out of my funk, to let the problems go that my mind has latched on to so tightly. I asked God to restore my joy and to help me get back on the bright side.

I removed myself from a situation that gets me down. I decided to not put myself out there. Unhappiness in spirit is wearing on the true self. I chose self-care over getting involved and speaking out, and knew it to be the right thing to do. I re-read A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis; he so gets it right in the raw places of his own grieving. I’ve been adjusting to the recent loss of my mother. This September marks the 10th anniversary since a dear male friendship came to an abrupt end. Markers of sad times still have a sting. It’s also the month I grieve my sister Lois’s passing.

I am reading books, too, and finding them rich and lovely. I am praying for a friend who needs it. Praying with great intention is heavy-weight stuff. I feel its burden but also its hope. She will be stronger spiritually once this is past. I must persist in intercessory praying and not lose focus.

I am back at writing a book I am close to publishing. I’m hoping to offer it as a freebie. POWER THROUGH, An Adventure in Other-Focused Living is a secular book on how to be other-centered rather than self-centered. It’s a push-back to what’s going on these days in our ultra critical,  negative community of angry people. This is my third edit. Pray for me. Thanks.

You know what? This week is going much better. I’ve put myself on an earlier schedule. That’s helping. I am forcing myself to look for the happy things, the blessings each day brings, the moments of joy I can celebrate. My spirits are lifting, higher and higher. Yesterday afternoon I visited with my 98 1/2 year old neighbor, to tell her about Mom’s passing. She is so sweet, gave me three hugs, and said she sings “One day at a time, sweet Jesus” every day. I love that!

Today I feel light, happy, more like myself. It has been a long time. I didn’t do it alone.  God came to my aid and buoyed me up. I needed that, I really did. God gives us a supernatural strength we do not have on our own. I asked for clarity of mind. He is supplying that as well. Today I cooked dinner for my dad like I do three times a week. We had a lovely visit, just him and me. And that’s quite special. He is appreciative and likes what I make, so it’s a win win.

I’m going to leave you with a poem that I wrote back in 2008. I shared it with my friend Andrew on his blog today. He’s suffering terribly with ill health but gives credit to God for hope, love, and carrying him along. He’s been living this way for years though the symptoms have worsened. But his faith keeps growing in leaps and bounds. His blog provides hope for others in the midst of their own trials.

I hope the poem encourages you. God bless.

It’s time to live again
Move out of the shadows
Away from cloistered walls

Fly again, you say
To a land of dreams
Life will open its door

See the possibility
The endless probability
Love on the wings of a dove

Into the sunlight it gives rise
Elegant grace, and beauty
A zephyr in radiant sky

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